A Joyous Perspective On Choosing Relationships: Don't Push. Don't Pull. Just Be.

It's Friday, and time for another Friday Night Thought Tale Hour with the Hendersons. Have you ever been in a relationship that seemed more like work than fun? Where every day you seemed to have a new issue to discuss? Maybe it had to do with little miscommunications, or an ongoing dispute, or a difference of opinion that regularly complicated your daily interactions.

Or perhaps, a relationship that you landed in that you were told was of importance. Maybe it is a working relationship or an extended/stepfamily situation. You find yourself doing a lot of opening up and giving, and yet, they just are not responding. 

They might even be pushing you away.

It might be time for a temperature check.

Healthy relationships require a little discernment as to what’s a problem and what is just small stuff; and that sometimes, the instinct to sweat all those small things is a sign of a more significant problem: That the relationship may just not be right. At least not correct enough to be substantial.

It can be super challenging to face this conclusion. Here are some considerations to make before you take the steps necessary to clean out your people who you need vs. those that you just need to know. One of these conditions may seem familiar, and one of these solutions may help.

Condition 1:

You’re harboring resentment or anger, but instead of expressing what you really feel, you pick at the little things.

The Solution:

Take some time to get to the root of your feelings. What’s really bothering you? Sure, those unwashed dishes and slow email responses are annoying, but what’s the more significant issue? Perhaps you fear the person doesn’t respect you? Do their actions seem to confirm your fear that you are somehow unworthy? Are you holding a grudge over something significant that happened two years ago?

Ask yourself if there’s a more meaningful conversation you need to have. Is there something you need to say that you didn’t, or perhaps something you need to work out in your own head? If so, release the weight of the big underlying issue, and you won’t feel so angered by the little surface-level annoyances that occur in every relationship.

Condition 2:

You’re dealing with stresses unrelated to the relationship, so you vent that pressure where you easily can: on the people closest to you.

The Solution:

Ask yourself: What’s causing me to feel irritable so frequently and in what ways am I overextended and unbalanced, and what do I need to do to change that? It might mean allowing yourself more space to meet your own needs (instead of always being there for other people). It might mean taking care of yourself a little better, mentally, emotionally, and physically, so you don’t feel drained so frequently. Perhaps you are working too hard and overextending yourself.

Once you address your own issues, you won’t create as many in your relationship; in this way prioritizing your needs helps both you and your connections.

Condition 3:

You have an idealized vision of what love and friendship should look like, so you fight whenever something happens that doesn’t fit within that concept.

The Solution:

Ask yourself if you could meet your own standards for love. Those little things that are bothering you. Have you done those same things before? How would you like someone to respond to you when you make those small mistakes? This isn’t the same as allowing someone to treat you poorly. This is recognizing when those little things really aren’t signs of that, but rather an indication that someone else is human and doing the best they can.

If you flip it around, you can focus more on giving the kind of love you want to receive than bemoaning the respect you think you’re not getting. Oh and incidentally, may help you get more of that back.

Condition 4:

All of your relationships involve constant drama. This is the only way you know how to be in contact of any kind, and you may even look for problems when there’s nothing to fight about.

The Solution:

If you grew up around chaos, you might actually feel more secure when you’re yelling, getting yelled at, and making up. It might even feel uncomfortable to have a day without any friction. Try challenging yourself to sit with your feelings so you can learn to minimize your internal drama. When you work on releasing your anxious energy, you’ll be able to explore what relationships can look and feel like without it. You’ll slowly start feeling more secure in enjoying the other person’s company, and less of a need to model this relationship after others that hinged around fighting.

If the issue is more about liking the excitement that drama creates, focus on building excitement in other ways: do something new and adventurous (on your own or together). Make yourself feel alive without needing to fight someone to experience it.

Condition 5:

You’re in a relationship that’s not good for you, but you feel too scared to leave, so instead, you stay and express irritation over all kinds of minor annoyances.

The Solution:

This is the hard one. It’s not about choosing your battles, but about recognizing it’s time to stop fighting the truth. It won’t be easy, but you need to be honest with yourself about whether or not you really want to be in this relationship. It might help to ask yourself: If I knew I could find something more fulfilling by walking away, would I? Do I feel like this relationship (or friendship) leads to more pain than joy? Am I in this out of obligation vs. commitment? Am I afraid to look odd to others if I don't take part in this relationship, even if it is a charade?


This is by no means easy to do, but if you can be honest with yourself, then you can move to the second part: Tell someone else.
Tell a friend that you need help and support to find the courage to evolve the relationship. You might not have the strength or trust that this is the right decision, but someone else who loves you will help you get through the scary part if you’re willing to let them.

"It's not that you don't need people. But you just stop 

forcing a relationship with those who push you away."

~Me

These are some of the top reasons we turn relationships into war zones. There will be times when the other people in our lives do these same things. Hopefully, we can inspire them to be more self-aware by modeling what that looks like. It is an evolutionary process. You are not really cutting the relationship off, as it will always be a part of you. You are instead, allowing it to become something new. Something that will not steal energy from those relationships you require to be healthy and to continue to grow.

So take the weekend to do some housecleaning.

Tonight, Chris and I will be drinking something I call, "You Got Lucky." I'm thinking about some of the best relationships I have and cherishing just how lucky I am. So here's to finding and nurturing those significant relationships, and having the courage to let the others become something less. Cheers, Friends.

Joy's You Got Lucky Cocktail**

3 oz triple sec

1 oz of Absolute Orange

8 oz Monster Khaos

Orange slices

Ice

Pour Triple Sec and Vodka into a tall highball glass filled with ice.  Add Monster Khaos and garnish with an orange slice.

*Always drink responsibly.