A Joyous Perspective On The Art of In-Lawing

Tonight at the Friday Night Thought Tale Hour at the Henderson's, I want to talk to you about family. As you read my posts, you’ll notice how a family is at the center of my life. Being a part of a large and sprawling group of people shapes nearly every aspect of my life. While challenging at times, it indeed is what makes me who I am.  As a remarried, middle-aged woman, I play a fluid role in the lives of my husband and our children.  Fluid because I'm not only the spouse, mom, grandmother, or whatever another familial term of leadership and endearment out there.  My perspective on how to handle these evolving roles has changed significantly over the years. I'm very fortunate to have some pretty incredible role models as I navigate these relationship oceans. Tonight I want to share my perspective on a role that I think I'm beginning to understand. With two marriages personally and multiple married children, I should be an expert, right?

A relationship based on a commitment to a stranger...

If you haven't guessed, I'm referring to the somewhat provisional title and position of "Mother-in-Law." I don't like the term, but it is the most universally known and accepted.  I think it's the 'in-law' part that just seems so forceful. It's as if this isn't a relationship that is likely to last without the long, strong arm of the law. It's as though the term should make you contractually obligated - after all - it's legal.

Making fun of bonus son Phil

This relationship is one of the most challenging positions I've ever held in life. One that is based on a commitment my children made to another stranger. Yes, that's right, this title is one that is frankly handed to you, and sometimes without any advanced warning. It stands about one rung above the dreaded and infamous role of stepmother although it wields exceedingly less innate power. It's too bad they don't give classes on how to handle this function…To both sides of the relationship coin! Instead, we roam into the eye of the storm taking with us whatever experience we have in dealing with this kind of family tie.  While our child’s new spouse will have his or her set of expectations (most of them inevitably based on whatever they've heard about us from our kid), we will most likely find ourselves floundering somewhere between parent and family friend. 

An ambiguous and sometimes dangerous 

place to be.

And our kids are usually not helpful at all because frankly, they don't think they need our involvement in this new venture. But without fail, the first time there is an 'issue' where someone assumes the wrong thing, and our kid realizes that he or she still needs mom or dad to be supportive and involved – to the COUPLE. I've found it usually happens about the time wedding planning or moving in together takes place. That moment of the first discomfort when we all realize - this was a package deal. With a few bumps along the road, I've learned much about making this a healthy and viable relationship. I've found that life is so much more beautiful when we can enjoy the people we are joined to, isn't it? It all starts with becoming not just related but acquainted... 

If you don't understand them, you can't join em.

You might think you know your 'in-law,' but do you understand them? And I'm not talking about the understanding that would make you qualified to write a book about them. I mean the kind that helps you to accept them and all of their foibles, still allowing for kindness. There's nothing like the feeling of acceptance to open the doors to a better foundation to build a lifetime of relationship upon. It's so important that you take the time to risk showing full acceptance to your in-law, even if your offspring isn't willing to play along.  If you wish to make this a unified team, you have first to play one on one.

Beaming with bonus daughter, Kim.

But that doesn't mean they have to call you 'Mom.'

One of the most important things I learned from my current mother-in-law Cathy is the art of welcoming someone into your life. When I first met Cathy, she didn't know much about me (I know that my dear husband most likely didn't help with that.) Regardless she made me feel an immediate open acceptance to be a part of their family. From the beginning, she set out to not force a relationship but instead, to offer one to me. As mothers, we forget that just because our kid made a bond with this person, it doesn't mean they promised anything on our part.  We also might not remember what it felt like to be in their shoes not that many years ago.  That being said, here are five essential things Cathy has taught me that I have made efforts to implement into my 'in-law' relationships

1.    No 'command performances' or 'demand visits': Is there anything binding about having to be somewhere you don't feel like being? Express desire and hope of seeing them, but remind them it's optional. I think you'll find they will want to be there more often than not. Also, remember that you need to give them space and time to make their family traditions and memories. 

2. Don't make suggestions, wait for questions: There's nothing worse than having someone point out what you needed when you didn't think you needed anything. Unless there is life or limb at stake, wait to be asked. They will listen much more carefully if you do. "Can I make a suggestion?", is another good saying to practice, but be ready for "No."

3.    Fit into their family schedule, don't make them fit into yours: Sure, you want to see them and enjoy the beautiful life they are building, but now is the time they need to have autonomy. Their budding family relationship needs breathing room, so give it to them. Wait for them to need you to be a part of it, and it will be so much nicer. You don't have keyless entry or right to drop in whenever the urge hits you. Practice this, "I'd like to visit (or drop by). What works for you?"

4.    They don't have to call you 'mom,' unless they want to: Sure, you want them to feel like you are like a mom, because you are their spouse's mom, but they might feel uncomfortable about that for many reasons. It sets up unrealistic expectations for your fledgling relationship so do everyone a favor and diffuse it right away. "I think you're great, and you make my kid happy. I'm here to support you. Whatever you feel comfortable calling me, I will answer to." If that happens to be "mom," so be it.  If not, that's fine too.

5.    Don't pick out the problems or criticize the kids: Pointing out a messy house or behavioral problem with the grandchild will not bring about the change you have in mind. They will see it as you saying they are doing a lousy job, or worse - failing. Ask if you can help, but keep the offer open-ended, not directed.

Some last words for the other side...

Your mother-in-law spent nine months growing your spouse, and another 18+ preparing them for you while laying a foundation for life you will have together.  She will always hold their past, and with you will be their future.  She may have prayed for you even when they were little, and now you are here. While you might believe she wants to hold on to them and keep them close, you need to know that you are the missing puzzle piece she has been waiting to meet. The unique individual who will hold their hand and be a vital part of their trajectory in life.  

You see, moms can't raise a whole person, they need others to enter those lives to rough up the edges and smooth out the wrinkles. While we know this, we still have hesitation as we send them your way. We are entrusting to you the most precious gift we have ever had the joy of receiving, and we are hoping you let us play a role in the incredible adventures you have ahead. 

You are now family.  Get to know her. Communicate with her, especially about the hard things. Try to respect her age and experience, and also her insightful understanding of the personalities in the family. She will do some things that drive you crazy, but try and chuckle about them! None of you know how many years you have together, so try to make them filled with as much laughter as possible to balance the tears you will undoubtedly experience together. 

Oh, and try thinking of her more as a bonus than a burden, and perhaps she will do the same for you.

My bonus Mom, Cathy.

So tonight, we are drinking a cocktail called the "Mother-In-Law," a classic drink that was made to be mixed up and kept around when needed - perfect. Chris and I will raise a glass and toast to his mom and my 'Bonus Mom,' Cathy Henderson. I'm pretty sure that a couple of my kids and their spouses would have it a lot rougher if not for example she has been to me in so many ways. One can only hope to make the kind of impression on others that will last long beyond our lifetimes, and that's an opportunity that parents get every day. CHEERS FRIENDS!

Vintage Mother In Law

1 tsp Peychaud’s Bitters

1 tsp Angostura Bitters
1 tsp Amer Picon (Hard to find. Found it at Binny's)
1/2 oz Orange Curacao (I used Patron Orange Liqueur)
1/2 oz Simple Syrup
1/2 oz Maraschino Liqueur (I used a Cherry Liqueur)
9 oz Bourbon ( I used Buffalo Trace)
Brown sugar and cherries
Mix in a large decanter. Best if made in advance and let the flavors combine.  Strain into cocktail glasses as desired or over ice in a highball. I rim mine with brown sugar, because, well, everything goes better with brown sugar... This recipe is enough for 2-3 large cocktails.