A Joyous Perspective on Grief at Holiday Time: The choice to choose joy

On this Friday Night Thought Tale Hour with the Hendersons, I want to reach out to others who might be carrying an extra burden as they rush and hustle to make the season bright. As I read posts from people like my dear friend Cyndi or have a conversation with my friends who have lost a family member this year, I feel compelled to talk about that part of life we would just rather not think about right now. But for many of us, it's not a choice. You see, 

The holiday season can be one of the most challenging times of the year for those grieving.

At times, people who have experienced the death of a loved one wish they could lie down for a nap on October 30 and awake again on January 2. This season can be challenging when the shadow of loss is present.  I felt this as I went to lay a wreath on my son's grave this week. Powerful feelings rise each time I see my son’s name on the grave marker:  SPC SETH ALLEN MILLER. It grounds me in the hard reality - this really happened.

And it's supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year...

The collision between the cultural expectations of happiness and the personal reality of grief can create stress, confusion, and an increase in emotional pain for those who mourn. The gatherings of family and friends during this season may shine a brighter light on the absence of the one who has died.

If this is the first holiday season after the death of a loved one, there can often be a buildup of anxiety, anticipating how it will feel to be without the one who is gone. And, even if the loss occurred many years ago like mine, the holidays are always a reminder of what was and what might have been.

Confusion, yearning, exhaustion, sorrow, and all the other feelings

that come with grief are entirely reasonable at this time. Difficult but normal. Painful but normal. Grief is not a psychological abnormality or illness to cure. Grief is about love. We grieve because we loved. Holidays may be a strong emotional connection to special times of remembering that love.

Joy is not a happy emotion. Joy is a complex emotion.

In this season where many of us celebrate the birth of a baby boy who is recognized by many as the Savoir of the world, we choose to overlook that he had to endure death to make that become a reality. I often think of one of my favorite Christmas songs, "Mary did you know?" Especially since losing Seth, I wonder if Mary carried the grief of her awareness for the entirety of her son's life. And if so, how did she make a choice to choose joy? It most likely took more than candy canes and colored lights.

My husband tells me I've gotten better at choosing joy during this season. I don't know why, but I do know some of the reasons this has happened. I wanted to share a few of the things I've learned in the hopes that they may either assist you in your grief, or they can provide you with understanding if you are walking alongside one who is grieving.

Both/ And 
Enter into this season in a state of mind of “both and” rather than “either or.” Sorrow does not exclude all joy, and celebration does not eliminate all sorrow. Yet, it can be confusing to experience opposing emotions at the same time or feel your mood vacillate between light and dark. Joy may transition into sadness in the blink of an eye. Contentment may suddenly shift into yearning. Both experiences have value because both are part of your grief story.

Be present to the moments of enjoyment, and at the same time, respect your feelings of loss. 
I choose to be present, and I choose joy.

Sights, Sounds, and Scents
Most who grieve prepare themselves emotionally for those significant moments during the holidays, such as sitting down for a holiday meal and attending parties; yet, some triggering experiences can occur when you least expect it.

A sight, sound, or smell may zip right past your defenses and cause an intense surge of sorrow. And sometimes, that rush may happen in public. To this day, certain Christmas carols I hear while shopping elicits a sudden sense of melancholy because of the strong identification they have for my son and me, who loved to sing. "I'll be home for Christmas" puts me down. 

But I know this now so I can prepare for it. 
I choose to prepare, so I choose joy.

Social Splitting
The transition back into your work setting and your social groups after a loss can create a strain because you may have to act better than you feel to appear socially appropriate. This social splitting can be exhausting. Add to that the cultural expectation of being “up” for the holidays, and the exhaustion may be compounded. This type of fatigue is normal. Monitor your energy, and be willing to moderate your social engagements, if needed.  

Spend ample time with those with whom you can entirely be yourself and who will support you without judgment.
I choose my company wisely, and so I choose joy.

Approach and Avoid
Our most basic nature is to approach pleasure and avoid pain. Our more evolved nature can approach hurt if we know there is an ultimate benefit of doing so. Our natural resistance to the suffering of grief can create more pain. Be intentional about scheduling time during this hectic season to approach your pain. Create rituals that represent the unique relationship you had with the one who died, such as listening to his or her favorite music or reading a favorite poem. Light a candle or ring a bell to mark this special time of remembering and reflecting. Visit the cemetery or mausoleum if that provides a connection for you.

I choose to remember, and I choose to do so with joy.

Acknowledge Someone Else’s Loss
Those who grieve want their loss and their loved one remembered, so consider making contact with someone who is grieving, as well. It doesn’t matter how long ago that loss may have been. Offer the compassion to others you desire for yourself. Compassion literally means to suffer from and calls us to enter into the pain of another. Listen with gentle curiosity and an open heart. 

I choose to be there for others, and so I choose joy.

Be Forgiving 
Let self-compassion replace any self-criticism as you do your best to balance holiday enjoyment with your grief. Be forgiving of well-meaning others who may try to help you with your grief by “cheering you up.” How you measure what’s significant and what’s trivial may have changed as you grieve. Patience may be needed when you’re in the midst of others during the holidays who experience the superficial as significant.


I choose to let things go, and so I choose joy.

Remember always, you grieve because you loved. 

And tonight, we will join together with others who share this understanding. We will choose joy together as we carry on in life with a unique view of how precious it truly is. May you have peace and light as you embrace your story of love and loss this holiday season. Cheers and love to you dear friends.