Disciplining young humans: Bend, don't break....

On this Friday Thought tale hour at the Henderson's, we are considering what has been a week of hearing a lot about the ways people 'discipline' their children.  As parents of many and grandparents too, we've certainly had a fair share of opportunity to practice the different methods of raising a child in the way he/she should go.  We've made mistakes, and we certainly understand what it's like to deal with a young human who wants to do the exact opposite of what is being asked of them.  In deciding to make this the focus of tonight's Thought Tale Hour, I resolved to dig into what my perspective is on providing the best discipline to your kids, regardless of what method you chose. Believe me, I could fill a library with the tomes I've read on raising kids and disciple, so here's my crib notes on the nuggets of wisdom that stood out for me.  I submit that if you can follow a couple of simple guiding principles, then I think you'll find your young Disciple will be able to take the lessons learned well into their adulthood.  

And isn't that what all forms of discipline should be:

 A lesson on consequences they can take with them long after they leave your nest?

Oftentimes when we hear the word 'discipline' we think of punishment. The problem is, punishment is punitive.  It's designed to to harshly remind you that you made a big mistake. It leaves a mark, sometimes literally.  However, the true meaning of discipline is to disciple, which means to lead or guide. Let's face it, it's much harder to be a leader than it is to be a follower.  Leader's don't react to their followers. They don't allow a follower to bring them down to their level so they can mete out a punishment.  They maintain a position of respectful authority.  As a parent, you're a leader.  Granted, you didn't necessarily apply for the job, but Lord help you if you don't accept the position.  

We want respect, but we instill fear to attempt to get it.

I'm old enough to remember when teachers could 'paddle' kids at school.  And let me tell you, if you were paddled at school, it usually meant there was paddling at home. Double jeopardy.  The thought behind a carefully and well explained swat (like you were listening while looking at the paddle?) was it made you less likely to do it again.  This physical action is a demand for respect - respect for the rules, for others, for the authority.  We want the kid to be afraid of crossing that line ever again... But -

A fearful person will just live their life to find ways not to get caught. 

That's not exactly teaching respect for authority, is it?  I mean, how long do you think you can really use the threat of a spanking to remind someone that you're their authority?  Realistically, this only lasts as long as they are smaller than you, or weaker.  And it can't be carried over into any other situation they will encounter where they need to respect someone - like a coach, or a teacher, or a boss... They need to respect the rules, not fear them.  Parents have to be a living example of this.  We follow the rules, and when we don't, we live with the consequences.  And just rules always have consistent consequences. That's why we respect them...  

You can't beat respect into them, or even squeeze it into them.     

Don't hear me saying that some discipline isn't very unpleasant.  My guiding principle is that the more raucous the action, the more severe the course of response for the young disciple.  Yet, the hardest work for a parent comes next, which is to be consistent above all things.  Children need a consistent approach to become emotionally sure that you don't intend to waver.  Consistency means that rules and expectations are the same from one time to another. Consistency makes the child’s world predictable and less confusing. It frees their minds of worry and fear about what might happen and instead,  teaches them accountability for their actions.

You'll make mistakes, but this is why you must take a minute to think about the right course of action.  Because....

Kids smell guilt like a dog smells fear.

Your young disciples will own you emotionally, and figuratively, if they sense you feel guilty because you reacted vs.  responded with consistency.  They will slowly lose respect for you, which will create  more disobedience, which will create more reaction.... You get the picture.

So tonight, we will toast to discipline and the proud smiles it will bring to a parent who finds the courage to lead with their head and not follow their emotions.  We will be drink Brandy Alexanders, an indulgent drink, but after all, the flip-side of discipline is reward.  CHEERS FRIENDS!

Joy's Brandy Alexander

2 oz of Aged Brandy (I like St. Remy)
1 oz of Pritchard's Chocolate Liquor
1 oz of half and half
Nutmeg for garnish
Ice
Pour all into a shaker, shake hard and strain into a wide mouth cocktail glass.  Garnish with Nutmeg.  Remember to always drink responsibly!