The Joyous Grandparent: Curve with the lessons...

It's a very special Friday for us here at the Henderson's.  This week, our daughter Michaela and her husband Phil presented us with our 3rd grandchild, a little girl who they named Violet Joy.  As I considered all of the varied parts of this event I could share, it quickly struck me that Chris and I are getting a 3rd shot and improving our skills in this family role of 'grandparenting'.  With grandchild number 4 soon to be here, we've moved from amateur status to Grandparent Gravitas. That means that at least some of the time, we look like we know what we are doing. Yes, that's right - there's a lot to learn about being a good grandparent. I decided tonight, I would use the Thought tale hour to impart a few things I've learned over the past few years about the ways you can navigate the waters of this sometime tumultuous relationship with a cherry  on top. 

I think it was soon after our 2nd grandchild was born, I couldn't help but gloat, “How cool is this? A brand-new baby who comes with two awesome baby-sitters!”  It was the old, "The great thing about grandchildren is, you get the give them back when you're tired..."  But with the ability to 'give them back', also comes a new reality of being far from having any control over raising this little one.  If you haven't done this yet, let me forewarn you, Those baby-sitters — most people call them “parents” — had every intention of calling the child-rearing shots, even though a perfectly capable two sets of grandparents were just a plane flight away.

They are your kids, but....

Turns out there’s a grandparent learning curve — a steep one. In the beginning, you can’t wait to impart info gleaned from years spent learning, mastering and implementing every major fact, theory and trend that parenting experts have to offer.

Then you discover that a newfangled collection of experts has turned all the theories upside down and all the babies on their backs; ruled all screens verboten; and recalled every piece of baby equipment you ever used.

You also learn that parenting styles like my own — take charge, opinion heavy, and hypervigilant (OK, just plain “hyper”) — are not grandparent-worthy. That it’s better to offer parenting advice only when and if your kids ask for it, and that even though your own children didn't grow up texting, speaking Mandarin or reading e-books and they “turned out just fine,” your kids do not (Do. Not.) want to hear about it..

So, it's time to start learning the rules

After those wobbly first days as newly minted grandparents (“Are we really leaving her with them?” you might find yourself saying as you drive away), you must start to learn the ancient art of silence, better known today as “shutting up.”

It hasn't always been easy, but at some point we had to accept the fact that some basic baby rules had changed: no apple juice in baby bottles. No television, anything made with BPA or kids in front seats.

We frankly wondered how we made it through the old regime.

It didn't escape us that these rules — at least some of them — make sense. Anchoring bookshelves to walls? Fabulous! Baby slings for dads? Love it! Glass baby bottles? How retro!

So grandparents, give your kids some credit. Chances are, like most well-meaning post millennial parents, they've picked up — or downloaded — a parenting book or two. They've visited chatty, info-loaded websites, perused endless mom blogs, and tweeted, texted and maybe even talked with other moms and dads about what it takes to be a parent.

Never has so much information been so available for so many.

And parents: Give the grandparents some credit. They raised you, and look how well you turned out! Most important, they also endured advice, directives, criticism and more from their own parents and in-laws. Somehow they found ways to deflect it. So can you.

I hate to brag, but I really have great kids raising my grandkids, and they are the ones who've given me the insights I'm going to share below.  

1. Stay cool

Let’s say Nana Sue whips your baby’s pacifier out of his mouth or feeds him non-organic strained peas. That’s when it might be a good time for you — after you’ve calmly replaced the pacifier — to invite Nana Sue to help chop the salad, catch up on Mad Men or help your 2-year-old with a puzzle. As for the peas, really, could a few spoonfuls hurt?

2. Meet conflicts head-on

This is especially important when dealing with uber-aggressive, in-your-face grandparents. Your inner voice shouts, “Butt out!” but it’s your outer voice that counts, and diplomacy wins, hands down. Be polite but direct: “Thanks, but this is the way we've decided to handle tantrums,” or potty training or breast-feeding or preschool or bedtime or . . . you get the idea.

3. Ask for help

Be proactive! Solicit advice before Grandma or Grandpa offers it. It makes you look gracious and inclusive, and makes the grandparents feel needed and happy. Bypass the major matters (“When should we have our next child?”) and head right for the small stuff (“What should we do when he teethes?”).

4. Keep an open mind

Sure, things have changed. But let’s get real: That bewildering bringing-up-baby world has been around a long time, and the grandfolks were living in it way before you were. There’s the crazy chance they may actually know something you don’t. You might even pick up that odd tip or ritual that you come to covet. But first, you must be willing to hear it.

5. Establish boundaries

Does your mother or father jet in on a moment’s notice to attend a dance recital or baby-sit while you hop off to someplace exotic? Consider yourself lucky. On the other hand, that same parent might be popping in more often than you’d like. If that’s happening, insist on a previsit heads-up (this also goes for hometown relatives) and take charge of the frequent house calls. Practice this: “This weekend won’t work, but how about sometime next month?” Then say it.

6. Just chill 

Grandparents like to spoil. I call it the Grandparenting Advantage. Conferred upon parents when their children have children, the Grandparenting Advantage means we’re entitled to bend the rules just a bit. That’s bend, not break. So forgive us for offering the extra hugs, cookies, phone calls or lunches. And remember what it is we’re really offering: sweet, unconditional love.  See above for the rules that are not up for discussion, and communicate them...

7. Keep the big picture in mind

The grandparent-grandchild relationship can be magical. You need to nurture, protect and savor it, even if that means (occasionally) staying quiet when it practically kills you, or (occasionally) smiling serenely when you just know they are wrong and you are right.

So tonight, we toast to all the times we bask in the warm light of being the most special person in the lives of some people we love most in the world.  It's an amazing thing to love someone with your whole being, and then get to see them experience that same feeling through the life of their child.  We won't need any spirits tonight, as ours are over the moon as it is.  Here's to grandparenting 3.0.7!  CHEERS FRIENDS!!!