Yes, it's my name, but I can't wear it out: Happiness is fleeting, but joy will last....

A picture of joy.

On this Friday Night Thought Tale Hour at the Henderson's, I want to talk to you about a surprising moment I had this week during a thoughtful lunch conversation with a good friend. We were sharing about how each of us had grown and changed over the past 5 years, and I have to say, her words sort of floored me at first: "You've become so much more spiritual.  I see more God in your life." I asked her for explanation, because I certainly didn't set out to not be spiritual at some point. She mentioned that when we first met, she felt I would react a little defensively whenever a scripture was presented or a what I will call a Christian 'platitude' - "God has a plan"... "He is with the Lord"... "Pray for strength"....  When I consulted another person who knows me even better, she agreed. So I've been doing some soul searching.  In putting together my response, I knew that my personal relationship with God had never been changed, in fact, it was probably during those times when they saw distance that I was seeking God's wisdom the most. I know now that what they saw wasn't being devoid of God, it was being devoid of 'happy'...And what they see now is how I've found a way to bring joy back into my life.  Tonight, I want to share some highlights of that journey.

'Happier' times

Happy happy joy joy...

You see, I had been introduced into this life with a name tag that seemed to demand I be happy. I think my parents sincerely saw me as a gift, and bestowed upon me the best name they could find. What it did for me is to make me a nice introduction into a group, but what it cursed me with was never being accepted as anything but 'happy'.  I was fine with it really.  Even the times when people resented me for always being able to find a smile in the darkness. But all that changed on April 14, 2008, when fate or whatever you want to call it came along and pulled the name tag off of my entire being and left me feeling something I can't even put a name to. My son died, and it was kind of like snapping a tether off of a hot air balloon. I still floated, but I had no directive on where I was supposed to go. 

How do I get off this thing?

It wasn't like I'd never faced loss, devastation or painful lessons, but I had always been able to find a way back. Perhaps all those years of smiling and happy had helped it to be more than a choice, but a habit for me. Now, this thing was different, and no amount of prayer or meditation or exercise or counseling seemed to bring back my happy. What my dear friends felt when they offered encouraging words from the scripture wasn't disbelief, it was me just seeking more. For the first time in my life I saw that I was truly at a fork in my personal road that didn't come back together again somewhere down the line. 

Floating, but held by love

In my prayerful meditation time with God, which was constant, I never felt like this would just 'go away'.  The loss would be something I would always carry, and I could let it crush me or I could grow new muscles to manage it. But I had to find a way to get off this emotional floating balloon...So I started searching, looking for a road map. This blog sort of came out of the search, as Friday night became a time when Chris would sit with me and a special cocktail and we would try to put it all into perspective. Chris, my always questioning scientific man, who never fails to encourage me to trust what I believe in... He wanted me to find my 'happy' again. He missed it, and so did I.

All the greats were saying the same thing...

In the beginning, it was difficult to concentrate, so it was nearly impossible to read. I did a lot of listening to books on tape and listening to inspirational speakers. I started to notice a common theme, about 3 years ago. Happiness, that thing I had lost, could not be found outside of me, but I was skeptical of that advice. I had lost my happy when my son died, so wasn't it somehow attached to those who I cherished around me? Couldn't I be happy again if I just found a new focus or just held tightly to those still with me and realized fully that they needed me as much as ever? But I learned that this would simply exhaust me, and leave me feeling empty again...

When I started reading again, and that included primarily  the Psalms and Proverbs in the Bible, I noted that none of the encouraging scriptures or words really talked about 'happiness', but a word I often found was 'joy'.... Huh. Joy, the polar opposite of the devastation feeling I had from loss. Happiness wasn't the balancing piece I needed because it wasn't heavy enough. A new favorite author, Danielle LaPorte writes, "Happiness is like rising bubbles - delightful and inevitably fleeting.  Joy is the oxygen - ever present."  I didn't need to find my 'happy', I needed to allow more joy. 

Points on the map to joy

Not always joyful; just always joyous...

I see now that what my dear friends observed was my slow but sure invitation of joy back into my life. C.S. Lewis wrote that 'joy is never in our power', and I felt that I could not will it back in, but I could invite it. I seem more 'spiritual' because I'm open to joy. What fate took from me was my happy, but what loss woke up in me was the search for joy. Joy, unlike happiness, is not subject to the whims of fate, and it comes when we give up our resistance to the present moment and our demands that life do our bidding. In a way, for me, it's my greatest demonstration of faith.

Does it mean I shun happiness? Of course not - happiness is always welcome. But I never expect more from it than it can offer. It's the breathtaking color in a flower, the bounty of my garden or the sweet smile from a new baby, momentary and a quick burst of fun. 

She's BAAACCCKKK!

Along with it being full of joy comes a higher tolerance of others who might be blowing bubbles in my face, and a lower tolerance of those who want to hold me to some ridiculous standard of perfection. I spend less time with people who just reek havoc in my life, and more with those who are just looking for a hand, and I happen to have one to offer, along with some joyous perspectives. 

So there's a little insight into the past 3 years of my life and why I started this blog. It's really a collection of thoughts that are like points on a map as I have found my way back to joy. And tonight, we will toast to this joy. The cold has hit us early, so it's a night for a warm something, and we are drinking 'Cafe a la Joy'.   Joy: It's my natural state, and ironically, my name.  My circumstances can change, and they will,  but I have learned how not to wear out my joy.  As Eckhart Tolle wrote, "You can only lose something that you have, but you cannot lose something that you are." Bingo.  
CHEERS FRIENDS!

Cafe a la Joy

1/2 oz coconut rum
1/2 oz Frangelico hazelnut liqueur
1/2 oz Bailey's Irish cream
1/2 oz Van Gogh's Espresso Vodka
4 - 6 oz strong coffee or espresso
1 pinch shredded coconuts

Combine ingredients in a coffee mug. Top with whipped cream and coconut shavings.
Remember, always drink responsibly and no drinking and driving!