A Joyous Perspective on Differences: Put down the rocks and pull up a chair.

At this Friday Night Thought Tale Hour with the Henderson's, we stop and consider what a tumultuous time we are living within. In our society, we are accustomed to 'war zones' being half a world away, and conducted by those much better trained than ourselves for defense and victory over those who would harm us. But recently, it seems the zones exist very near us, and we may be called upon at any time to take cover or defend ourselves. What makes this even more disheartening is the fact that many we might call the "aggressors" are our neighbors, co-workers, acquaintances, family, and friends. The war zone can be literal, but more often, it's a verbal war of words or thoughts that is taking place in our little worlds. And this week, as I took my Joyous Perspective to the subject of 'differences', I searched for solace in the words of those who forecasted that we might come to this kind of turmoil. One of those was a favorite author, George Orwell, who said:

“Happiness can exist only in acceptance.” 

Reading the above quote, you may be thinking, “Why should I accept people who are trying to harm or cause me trouble? They are the last people I would want to accept!” I know I have often felt that way. 

But where is that thought leading us to? 

It’s clearly unnerving to think about accepting those that we feel are toxic, and even more challenging to do so. I have to admire some of these Talking Heads who have thoroughly disagreeable people sitting directly across from them. But then, I begin to remember what they might be trying to do. I take a minute, and I try to see beyond the hype and imagine that they are sincere in trying to help me and others understand where others who are different might be coming from. I try to absorb the knowledge...

I have not done well with this in my life
much of the time. 

Take the other evening when I heard a young man being interviewed on a news show. He was asked a question, and I thought I saw a clear opportunity for him to admit that we don't have all the answers to some of the most complicated issues in society. But instead, he blurted out some complete nonsense created to make even more confusion exist. I had a glass of good Merlot in my hand, which I firmly smacked down on the table beside me. The bottom broke, along with the stem... The wine went everywhere. My husband jumped up and chuckled, "He upset you..."  

Wow, Physician heal thyself huh?

When I look back at many of these kinds of times in my life, I now realize that I suffered unnecessarily from my refusal to accept such people, both regarding greater personal anguish and poorer results. In these times when I am surrounded with differences of opinions and perspectives, I see unnecessary suffering again. Not just in my life, but in the lives of those I adore.

I guess I can keep visiting Dollar General to replace wine glasses.... Or, I can figure out new ways to accept and learn from those who have differing opinions and perspectives from that of my own.

Listen and learn - but accept?

It's one thing to learn from others, even those who I dislike. It's quite another to accept them. Let's start with what acceptance does NOT mean:

That you approve or condone another’s behavior.

You are not approving by accepting. Rather, you are just acknowledging the “reality” of the person or situation, or “what is,” and deciding what’s best for you based on that reality. Hence, you can accept someone even though you disapprove of what the person says or does.

That you must “give in” to others.

Acceptance does not require that you relinquish your needs or subordinate your best interests to those of others. Once again, it means being realistic about the person or the situation; if you feel mistreated or imposed upon, you can disengage or detach. And, of course, stand your ground. Non-violently and without broken wine glasses :).

That you cannot be resentful.

It’s reasonable and understandable and“human” to be upset or resentful when someone acts badly. What is important, however, is that these feelings be timely addressed and processed, and not be allowed to linger or explode. When not timely resolved, you will stay in negativity and not be able to “see” the meaningful choices and options available to you. Your heightened emotions cloud your judgment and block any opportunity for acceptance.

And very importantly, acceptance does not mean,

That you have no viable choices.

To the contrary, it is only by actually accepting the person as they are, or the situation as it is,  that you will be able to recognize the choices and options that will serve you best. Why? Because with acceptance, the focus changes from others to you, and what you can do to serve your interests better.

Take my acceptance challenge.

The next time you deal with an adversary, a perceived enemy, or, simply a very unpleasant person, I challenge you to try accepting them as they are. Take note of whether there were fewer aggravated thoughts within your mind. Was it easier to remain calm? Were you better able to focus on taking care of your needs? Did you break anything?  Let me know, especially if any of my suggestions helped.

Put down the rocks, and pull up a chair....

So tonight, I have chosen to toast to accepting our differences with a beer called "Namaste."(about the beer) For many, this is a salutation of greeting or leaving a person you have respect or a bond with of some kind. I like the Sanskrit meaning, which says "My soul recognizes your soul. There is no distance and no difference between us. We are the same. We are one." What a lovely thought, and an even better goal. Cheers, Friends.