A Joyous Perspective on Evaluating Your Confidence: It's about being comfortable with yourself.

Another Friday, and time for the Friday Night Thought Tale Hour with the Henderson's. I want to talk to you about something that's been rolling around in my mind for awhile, and it's a part of what I consider one of my missions in life. When you are what I'll call an "Encourager," (some call it other less nice things) you notice when people need a boost. I can't read about someone who is facing down a fear or feeling distraught without wondering if I possibly help. But what I want to do to help is solve what I feel is that the base of what they are carrying. I want to assist people find their own personal confidence. It's kind of like the proverb about teaching someone to fish instead of giving them fish. So tonight's Thought Tale is an attempt at just that. 

I hope you are ready because I'm quite confident I can do it.

A few weeks ago, I had the pleasure to hear the mother of Temple Grandin speak at a conference. Her name is Eustacia Cutler, and she is nothing short of amazing in my estimation. (more here) At 88 years young, she exudes wisdom that leaves you thirsty for more. One of the many things she said that resonated with me  that day was this, 
“You are what you think you are, but you are also who I think you are.”  
She was encouraging us as parents and support staff of those living with Autism to remember how our belief in those we have the opportunity to care for can make a world of difference in their success. She relayed that you were at least 10% of what your child would believe about themselves. 

As I considered ‘evaluation’ this week, I put together how we come

to conclusions about ourselves and others with her words, and also this quote from Seneca: “What you think of yourself is much more important than what people think of you.”  
I found myself thinking about how so many people I interact with on a daily basis struggle with their confidence. These two pieces of golden wisdom are the nuggets of the very issue, aren’t they?

So many of us live under the assumption that confidence is elusive or fleeting. 

It’s there one minute and gone the next - poof! 

This illusion keeps us from stepping into the roles and opportunities we were created to thrive within.  We have a belief that only a select few were anointed with confidence by an unseen hand upon their birth,  leaving the rest of us to muddle through, solely reliant on glancing blows of confidence that would hopefully show up when desperately necessary. Or maybe we will just get lucky and win the lottery!
          
To further complicate matters, there is the idea that any acquired confidence is the result of validation and admiration from others. Encouragers like me don’t help to dispell this assumption. I plant these seeds when I think, “I will tell them (insert compliment here) to help give them confidence.” 

The idea that confidence is “given” makes one continue to look for it outside of oneself! 

And as the two Sages from above assure us, this is at least 90% untrue. As we go through times of serious self-evaluation, how much of it is taken from what we hear and receive from outside sources? Shouldn’t we be basing our evaluation on what we achieve from our actions and what we hope to reach our dreams? Who better to come to those conclusions and be confident within them than us? Instead, we question others and look to them to tell us via ‘likes’ or ‘comments’ or atta-boys that we are doing ok. The evaluation took place when you decided to do it, make it, or say it. You had the confidence to try. 

So what are we afraid of when it comes to being ‘self-confident’? To even have the ‘appearance’ of confidence?

I think it’s because we’ve confused ‘confidence’ with ‘arrogance.' It seems this comes from a fear based on some terrible experience we’ve had. Perhaps we were super happy and proud of an achievement, and we shouted it from the rooftops, only to be scorned as prideful and boastful. Or maybe we were feeling less than thrilled about where we were in life, and someone rooster strutted their success to us. In both cases, there’s a simple key to remaining free from the appearance or attainment of arrogance. Just remember to come from a place of love and kindness always. Appreciation and gratitude sort of love, and compassionate and caring understanding. 

Still concerned? Then self-evaluate.

Arrogance comes when we wear a mask to hide our insecurity. Yes,

all those times you are saying that someone has made you ‘feel’ or ‘think’ you are less than, you might just be reflecting your self-doubt. You are desperately afraid they will uncover you. So you fight it with a little arrogance. Here are a couple of points to use for evaluation purposes:

1. When people are covering their fears, they must work extra-hard to convince not only themselves but everyone around them that they’re confident, instead of posturing. If you are doing this, you appear arrogant. This kind of bravado is a disguise created by the well-meaning, albeit a misguided ego to protect what it considers to be the fragile eco-system of the mind.

2. Arrogance also always louder and more competitive than real confidence, because it constantly fears for its survival. It's hunger that is never satisfied. If you leave a crowing conversation, and you still feel empty, you might be appearing arrogant. Remember:

Real confidence is quiet (think Ninja).

1. This quiet is a result of honest self-evaluation, tough questions, and feeling worthy to be on the planet.

2. Confidence, once developed, then means we can be cozy - couch-like - comfortable in our skin, where the once pesky ego is now on a permanent vacation. 

3. Real confidence is not competitive. In fact, it prefers to make space for others to speak their minds without feeling the need to jump in and course correct the conversation, the plan, or the route.

4. Real confidence means that we continually enjoy our company, because, at the end of the metaphoric day, we’re the ones with whom we spend the most time.

Real confidence begins with, or I should say - within us.

It starts with accepting your honest evaluation, addressing who you are with authenticity, and feeling worthy of all the good stuff. Worthiness is the prime ingredient of real confidence. Everyone has good stuff. It isn’t about things like success, rewards, accolades, or (and this may be the most salient point) the perception of others. It’s about the perception we have of ourselves. Own it, just as much as you own the stuff you are working on. 

So tonight, we will raise a nice glass of red, appropriately called "Backbone", as we toast to confidence. It's good to find confidence in those times of life when you might be faced with a little challenge or the unknown. So here's to discovering new resources, within ourselves, and knowing we can reflect each of them upon those we encounter every day. Cheers, Friends!