A Joyous Perspective on Making a Connection: With Yourself.

It's Friday, and time for another Friday Night Thought Tale Hour with the Hendersons. As you might have guessed, I began to seek my spiritual path early. As a teenager, I would read any self-help book I could get my hands on. I spent most of my twenties actively pursuing self-development by studying, attending workshops, and going on retreats whenever time allowed. At the time, I thought I was searching for happiness and inner peace. Now I can see that I became invested in a firm idea of what a ‘spiritual person’ was and tried to live up to that. I had a picture of who I was at the time, and how very far I had to go. 

I truly thought I had a real connection with who I was.

On the outside, I appeared to be everything my name espoused. But the truth was my inner world was not happy or peaceful. The way I treated myself was far from soulful. In fact, it was down right abusive. I thought I needed ‘fixing’ because even after all the learning and work I had done, I would still beat myself up whenever I wasn’t perfect. My inside story about myself continued to be judgmental and negative, and I remained fixated on gathering evidence to prove I wasn’t good enough.

It took a break in the outside to show me my real insides.

My first children were twins. It was a unique event that brought me a tremendous amount of attention - most of it unwanted. During my pregnancy, I had all of the visions of what a whole and good mother should be, and I surrounded myself with good examples and more books on how to do this as a spiritually whole person. I'll never forget the first time, after weeks of little sleep and overwhelming emotional floods, that I found myself crying hysterically in the middle of their room. I felt nothing close to that beautiful spiritually fulfilling nurturing feeling I'd planned on having their entire lives. 

That was my first experience with a 'breaking event.' Not a 'breakdown,' but more of an opening up of the real self. As I examined the feelings and thoughts I had about being a parent, I began to accept that this adventure was never going to be easy.  When I had my second child, I saw a side of myself that was much more nurturing than I had allowed with the twins.  I knew I was doing something right because my experience the second time around was completely different; it was a lot more joyful. I reflected on exactly what the difference was between my two experiences. I came to realize that the answer was me.

I've learned that the times of greatest challenge that lead to breaking provide the best opportunity to connect with who I am.

I recalled this experience this week as I thought about the importance of self-connection. The more challenging the situation, the more we can see ourselves. A relationship that goes wrong, a lost dream, a death or an illness can all be times when knowing yourself can be the most vital connection you have to survive.  I have started paying attention to what was different from a good day to a bad day. I explore when I feel pain and suffering trying to locate why it was there (hint: usually when reality was different from what I wanted it to be).

This practice doesn’t tell you what to think, or what to do. It invites you to explore how you think, and why you do something (or don’t do it). It allows you to see the real you and be aware of what you can be. At that moment in the babies room, even in tears, I felt empty. I knew this was Joy on empty. That meant I had to find strength and peace from another source and find a way to store that better. Perhaps for you, it's spiritual faith, or for others time alone to restore. 

Finding it made me feel capable again. This simple act had such an enormous impact on me, and I see it as “self-care.” I thought I might share some of the more important parts of self-care, and encourage you to set an intention for yourself in this same way. It's a series of steps, but they don't have to be followed exactly. Each one is tremendous on its own.



Connect with acceptance.

Acknowledge what’s true about yourself, today, at this moment, exactly as you are, without seeking to immediately change anything. This is acceptance. Embrace you.

Connect with self-kindness. 

Offer yourself kindness. You are not any less special from anyone else on the planet, so why would you show others kindness and not yourself? Abuse toward anyone (including yourself) never acceptable. Be kind to you.

Connect with self-compassion.

Have compassion for yourself when you aren’t able to achieve kindness. Acknowledge your flaws, faults, and failing by meeting them with compassion. High Five you for trying.


Connect with your needs.

Most of us spend our lives caring for others. Sometimes we

sacrifice our own needs, but is it the grand loving gesture we convince ourselves it is? We have to decide our needs are non-negotiable and put boundaries in place to ensure that we receive what is vital for our well-being. Take care of you.

Connect with your thoughts.  

If we have been unkind to ourselves for a long time, it can take a while to break that habit. Being aware of your thoughts gives you the opportunity to choose whether they are true or not. You should challenge a belief’s truth, kindness, and purpose. Think about you and your thinking.

Connect with your expectations. 

Do you place your future self on a pedestal like I used to? "Future Joy" had achieved so much more than me; she was way more confident, wiser, more spiritual, happier, and healthier. It’s so unkind (and painful) to compare yourself to a version of you that doesn’t exist.I notice that on days I can completely disable my expectations, I usually have a great day because there are no conditions placed upon it. Accept you.

“You don’t pass or fail at being a person, dear.” 

~Neil Gaiman

You just are. A person who deserves a full connection with who they are.

So tonight, I will be making a cocktail that makes a connection with who I am. It's called "Connected". It is tall (but not towering), crisp (but not crumbly) and has a sparkle (but does not blind you) and healthy (for the most part. Here's to keeping a strong connection with who we are and allowing ourselves to be just what we need to be every minute. Cheers.


Joy's Connected Cocktail**

3 oz of Sauvignon Blanc (I'm using Conundrum)
2 oz of Kombucha (I'm using Brew Dr. Spiced Apple)
Ice
Star fruit
Basil

In a tall glass filled with ice, pour the Wine and the Kombucha. Garnish with Star Fruit and Basil, or whatever you connect with. Cheers. 

**Always drink responsibly