We often welcome the challenges we choose to take on... But it's the ones that catch us by surprise are the ones that will strengthen us the most. It is often a matter of making a slight change of our perspective if you will. I find myself asking my clients several times a week, "What might happen if you make a small change in your belief? Might your behavior follow?" And when they can do this,
Frequently, they find that their happiness lies in their own hands.
When life is going to plan, we have a routine, we understand the game plan, and how to keep those comforts coming. We habitually know what to do next, and we have a sense of confidence in our decisions. We are winning at this thing called life, and we must be doing something right because the rewards just keep on coming. But then it happens. An unfortunate turn of events. We might find ourselves lamenting to someone who will listen, or only to ourselves, "But I thought I was doing everything right. How could this have happened to me?" An existential look of surprise surfaces appears on our faces. Somehow, screwed up, but how and why?
They come for help only after exhausting all of their normal resources. They want to understand how the unexpected turn their lives have taken could have possibly happened. They want someone to help them search for cause and effect, as if discovering guilt or responsibility will get them back on track again. They just didn't see this coming.
The trouble is that we end up believing that we can live in a controlled, predictable world for much of our lives. Work hard, and you'll succeed. Be a good parent, and your kids will turn out well. Follow the rules, and life will purr around our ankles in domesticated bliss. So simple that when things go wrong, we must be the cause of the problem and how our expectations went so badly. But when we do that, we are forgetting a much more prevalent fact...
Just because you happen to have a roof over your head, it doesn't mean life has been tamed. Our ancestors worried about dark forests and things with teeth. We may not worry so much about that anymore, but it does not mean we call all the shots. I got a kick recently out of doing my Family Tree. My people came from across the oceans and took major risks to settle thousands of miles from where they started. There was no way they ever could have imagined what they might face. They intentionally left the known to face the unknown. Certainly, there must have been mistakes, misjudgments, many experiments, and unbelievable learning as they entered a new realm. It occurred to me that they probably didn't take a lot of time to criticize themselves for being in any predicament because they were just glad to be surviving. They forged on, even when they ran out of maps... They were explorers.
In these moments, you are being reminded that life is still a wild affair, completely unfazed by your plans and habits. Unexpected things happen all the time, just as they have since the beginning of it (time, that is). Many of these you can prepare for like the early explorers did when they went on their journies. But some, you simply cannot ever prepare for. Those are out of your control.
You are not always to blame when things happen that are part of being alive in a wild world. You are not bad or incompetent when things keep you guessing or catch you off guard. Life is too complicated and spontaneous to stay in your lane for too long.
You may find yourself without a map or even a compass. You might need to find that instinct alone to guide you. You might need to ask for directions or help with supplies. But forge ahead, move forward, looking for your new place of security. Remember that you will make mistakes or not see something coming, but that's because you are a part of this world, not the master of this world.
It might take the pressure off to remember that life's wildness and risks impact everyone. Even those who appear to be untouched could be just as unsettled inside, anticipating what might lie ahead of that next blind curve. However, secure and confident folks don't get that way by over-organizing their lives or attempting to ward off anything unexpected. That is what makes up a fear-driven frenzy. On the contrary, these capacities develop from accepting yourself and other fellow explorers in uncharted territory. When you take a survivor's approach, you appreciate and respect the wildness and unpredictability that intrude on everyone's lives.
Remember, as wild as the world can be, your ancestors were wild as well.
You come from a long line of survivors.
Isn't it nice to know you still have what it takes?
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