Who the hell-o forgot to tell us that children are here to meet their needs, not ours? Some parents spend a lifetime believing that children should be willing to act against their self-interest, give up what they want most, and do whatever a parent asks (demands). Those of us who grew up as the child of this kind of parent only know this model, so when we are challenged otherwise and realize that they are just as individualized as we are, we come to a proverbial fork in the road. Do we follow the "spare the rod blah blah blah" or the "Do as I say or else..." path? Or the opposing action, "Here's the iPad, and there's the fridge. I'll be home later..."? My experience says it starts with accepting that they are individuals granted to be in our care for some time but not under our control. We have a strategic advantage over them, after all. Kids are lousy at long-range strategy. But they learn quickly about how they want to navigate the world:
Introverts or Extroverts? According to science, this is developed at a very young age, perhaps as young as 3 months old. Extroverts are the expressive ones, broadcasting their distress openly, whether in words or actions. When they are upset, their emotions quickly transform into some kind of interaction with other people. An extroverted child's pain may come out as misbehavior or anger because extroverts cannot help but engage others when they are hurting. They require human interaction.
Introverts are quite the opposite.
When introverted children get upset, they instinctively hide their feeling and avoid interaction. In contrast to the extrovert's urge to turn outward with their distress, the introvert is like a sea anemone, sucking itself back into its inner world at the first sign of pain. This withdrawal instinct is designed to form an impenetrable wall around the introvert's suffering, making them feel momentarily safer, but at the same time, it shuts out potential comfort.
And you can relate to their feelings because you are one or the other.
And you're the parent. I'm an Extrovert, so interaction with others is my safe place. But I have found myself the parent of a few Introverts, which has brought me some challenges. My instinct is to reach out, to sort it out, to fight it out, and then hug it out. But the distressed introvert is intent on minimizing further vulnerability at all costs. Avoid, distract, disappear, disconnect - these are the ways of the introverted child.
Oh, and it only gets worse with age.
The most challenging thing you'll face is that introverts have an uncanny ability to act as though nothing is bothering them. You introverted people know precisely what I mean. The truth is that introverts are strong feelings and reactors, but the protective emotional withdrawal often makes them look calmer and more unruffled than they really feel. Many an introvert report being misunderstood as being unaffected by something because of their reflexive survival mechanism of keeping a straight poker face when most upset.
Introverts gain strength and energy from spending time alone. Contemplating and thinking things through help the introvert pull back together and feel centered. If you push an introverted child to interact and explain before finishing this crucial inner work, the introvert will feel pressured and intruded upon, not comforted. Introverts need to keep others out until they can reorganize enough internally to be able to talk about it. They push away, and this can feel rejecting and confusing. Parents can feel distanced and frustrated without taking the time to be self-aware and maintain respect for boundaries. It's a sad time because each needs the other so very much.
Remember that they are suffering, and interaction doesn't come easy. They are processing. But remember, no matter how hard they push away, there's a vital truth you must hold on to:
They are secretly hoping their parents don't ever give up.
Interaction is complex, but being left alone wholly differs from what they seek. Give them room, but remain available and interested. An introvert's distress course has its own timetable, but your patience and concern give the introvert a profound sense of security. The introverted child needs to know that you noticed and that you did not fall for the stony face, cold words, or distance. Even as they rebuff, they are deeply gratified that someone noticed something was wrong.
Introverts recover through being alone, but they don't like to feel
lonely.
Later they may tell you what was truly wrong, but that won't be the most healing part for them. The best part will be the part when you worried about them, reached out tenderly, and gave them a nod of support, knowing what deep distresses were rolling beneath the surface and behind their protective walls.
To comfort an introverted child, young or adult, don't push.
But don't go away either.
Your concern is their runway back to the world. Just be there at the landing.
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