To my daughter on raising a daughter: The lessons you taught me...

On your birthday, I will always recall the first moment I heard the words, “It’s a girl!”  While everyone else in the room said ‘ahhhh’, I was saying ‘Really?!’…  I had convinced myself I would have two boys, because the odds were clearly stacked in that favor considering your father’s family of nearly all boys and very few female grandchildren.  The truth is, I really wanted a daughter.  I had dreamt of a little girl to dress up and play with and experience all the girlie things I felt I had missed as a child.  As I glanced over at you under the incubator, I felt like the luckiest person on earth.  Here was a small, giant-eyed perfect little creature who was my daughter.  You and I shared the same kind of wonderful moment this past week when you too learned, much to your surprise, that you were having a daughter.  And once again, I felt like the luckiest, and happiest, person on earth.  

Almost immediately, you began to question and muse about what it would be like to raise a daughter, and I began to put together these thoughts which I will now share with you about what I have learned from raising you - my daughter.  I have chosen my top 5, but there are many more we will talk about together.  From those first moments until today you continue to be my unpredicted gift and eternal prize.  I hope I get to experience and support you through many of these moments, as I now learn how to be a ‘girl grandma’.

1) You are exactly the right mother for your daughter, never doubt this. Your child has genetics inside of her that you understand and know. Don't try to think that you're not a good mother or not capable of mothering this child the way that you should. She is like you and those you know, and love. You can learn from others, but you will integrate that learning in a way that is unique to you. I always thought of myself as a ‘tomboy’, and I was afraid I wouldn't be a good ‘girl mommy’, but you helped to teach me about my femininity.   She will bring out things inside of you that you didn't know existed - some wonderful and some that will surprise you.  There is no wrong way to love this little girl. The only wrong would be to stop trying because you decide that you are not good enough.  You are.

2) Teaching your daughter to be kind is better than teaching her to be tough.  Kindness is a trait that will make her feel good about who she is no matter what circumstance or decision she is faced with.  If she looks for ways to be kind rather than mete out harshness, she will gather true friends rather than shallow acquaintances.  If one of her friends is crying or being mean, teach her to ask ‘are you okay?’ rather than ‘I’m going to tell’. Find moments in her daily life where you can point out the kind choice or action.  She will watch you and learn from your example.  You helped teach me that you learned more from seeing me be kind to the grouchy Store Clerk than from how I treated those who were kind to me.  Kind words start early.  ‘Please’ and ‘Thank-you’ are expected, not optional.  Help her to see how their use will get her more lasting benefits vs. the short term satisfaction of demanding her own way.

3) Whether you like it or not at times, you will be your daughter’s foundational example of what it means to be a woman, so don't hide from this reality.  Reading about princesses and queens is good for the imagination, but she will emulate what she sees in little ol’ regular you. In your world, she is special, but in the real world, she is part of the human collection.   Allow her to see the real you, with your hopes, fears, scars and dreams.  She will find comfort in the fact that you are not perfect.  You taught me to share how I overcame obstacles, sharing the blood, sweat and tears it took to achieve a dream or correct a mistake. Model to her how to solve her own problems rather than looking to others to fix them.  Show her how being a woman allows her an endless field of possibilities.  Demonstrate it, point it out, make it possible. 

4) In a world where 'size matters', teach her that size really doesn't matter.  Whether she is short, tall, big, petite, plump, wispy or regular, instill in her the fact that she is just right.  I spent the first years of my life hating my height, and I rejoiced when you were born clearly a girl of shorter stature, but I allowed external influences and my own self criticism to miss the chance to instill this lesson in you as much as needed. She will compare herself to others, but help her to focus on the ways she stands apart from the crowd, and she doesn't have to blend into the blonde and Barbie-like herd.  Remind her that beauty is a matter of the beholder, and it shines from inside.  If genetics hold true, she will have a magnetic smile that will allow her to beam love on all around her. One important note:  Fight, yes fight, any influence, male, female, old or young who tries to shape her self image into their ideal.  The only size she should focus on is that of her heart and soul - those should be fed....Liberally. 

5) My last thought is often overlooked, but one of the more important parts of raising a daughter in my opinion. Always, be her Mother.  You are not her sister, you are more than a friend, and please, never be her child.  I have clung to this  throughout our life together, and at times, you thought me to be distant and downright cruel for maintaining it, but as I look at our relationship now, I am satisfied with the result of my decision.  You can confide in a sister, play and explore with friends and nurture children, but you trust, respect, depend upon and cherish your Mother. These relationship benefits are developed, as they are not instilled at birth. This does not mean she is not allowed to question you, argue with you or make a different decision than you suggest.  Teaching her to stand up for what she believes will help her in many other areas of her life, but you must remain an authority that she relies upon when she's forming those opinions.  You are her Mother - no matter what.

One last note, which is one of my favorite quotes from Maya Angelou's 'Letter to my daughter' (which you are getting a copy of for your birthday): "You may not control all the events that life has for you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them".  Raising children has taught me this truth perhaps more than any other activity I have engaged in throughout my life. I have endeavored to live in a way that mirrored this to you, and it has reflected in you more with each passing year.  Life is 10% about what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it.  I know you will be ready to respond to this next chapter of your life, and I can't wait to hear about everything your daughter will teach you.  We will toast you tonight with, what else, Pink Champagne.  Our little girl will be a 21st century woman, but Gramma Joy will always be a little stuck in the 20th.  CHEERS!