A Joyous Perspective on Dealing with Milestones: Let out some air, don't pop!

At this Friday Night Thought Tale Hour with the Henderson's, we find ourselves coming into a season that will forever be challenging to us. You see, exactly one month and 7 years ago tomorrow, our beloved boy, Seth, was killed in a tragic accident. Many lives were changed that day, and the date is one that is tattooed on countless hearts. During each of the last 7 years, being the person I am, I've tried to find a way to carry the anticipation and sobriety of the anniversary, hoping to discover a formula or anecdote that will help myself and others glide through it.

My giant hearted son would not have wanted our lives to pause, and his faith would have sermonized that we should not let death be a final passage. But both of these factors are simply ways to memorialize him, and they do little to relieve the load of passing through another April 14 and wishing that the date would just disappear or better yet, that it would never have happened.

And during most of the year, on some level, I can just keep it tucked away as though it didn't happen. As the years progress, I find more times that I can laugh and smile at Seth and his life, and fewer times that can drive me to tears. But what I want to share with you tonight is not how I am so very different than many other people because I have continued to live with this most devastating type of loss, but more why I am not, and how we can all find ways to carry the terrible in our lives without allowing it to destroy you.

Seth and I just before he left for Basic, 2007

"I don't know what I would do..."

No one does, and only in our insanity would we expect to know. The immediate impact of a tragedy was not the most difficult for me.  It was the reality that I now live with it which truly challenged me.  And if you're going to continue to live, during every year of your life there will be anniversaries and dates that will bring every nuance of the pain you experienced at the time of the event.
The dates are just sitting there on the calendar, glaring at you. Every time you look at the upcoming calendar, you suck your air in, hoping that the oxygen will calm the tremor in your tummy and throw a life jacket to your inner being.

But that air is often filling up an emotional balloon.

Bigger and bigger the upcoming event becomes as you fill it up with all your deep breaths and gulps. After awhile, you know that even the smallest pin (a small remark or a day just not going that well) will potentially put you on your knees with pain and grief. Or worse yet, cause you to flatten another unknowing human, figuratively or literally. You feel sort of bound to the circumstance and helpless. You tell yourself that you have to move on. That's what everyone says too.

Memorial Day/Birthday Niko

This might work if there were only one day of an anniversary that you had to contend with each year, but most of the time, there isn't. There are birthdays and holidays that bring thoughts of the loss to your mind, and these can be even more difficult if the expectation bar is raised regarding your behavior. You are blowing up that balloon event more and more as it grows closer, and with wide eyes, you know what's coming.

Better let a little air out now and then!

My cautionary tale and it's moral are that you can avoid the being torn to shreds by a pop or destined to fly around the room and end up a stretched out mess, if you just let a little of the air out now and then. Instead of sucking it in, blow it out. No one likes that sound a balloon makes when you hang on tight and release some air, but the screeching serves a purpose, and so does a little screaming or ranting or sighing or crying. Each of these balloon events is going to be a part of your life, but it doesn't have to be so large that you can't see anything else because of it.

There are many ways to let some air out, and while it's not easy to do when you are shadowed by all that surrounds grief, it should be looked upon as essential medicine. My experience tells me that while they can be shared with others, they must first be for you - and only you. Since we lost Seth, I've taken up painting, writing, and gardening. They soothe me, give me time to myself, and frankly, remind me I've got more to learn.

It can cast a shadow without becoming a cloud.

I kinda resist writing about this subject, because a) I don't want anyone to feel I am casting aspersions upon their grief journey and b) I do not want to become the poster child for the 'right' way to recover from loss. I am learning about how to do this every day, and I will never stop that process of learning until the day I stop breathing. But in the 7 years I have walked this path, I do believe that we bring the best kind of celebration and honor to our loved one when we find a way to graciously carry on.

Veteran's Day, another balloon event.

Not holding in my sorrow and holding on to my frustration over Seth's death has been a key for me. It's not easy to show vulnerability, especially when so many others depend upon you or look at you to be the Oracle of sorts, but you will implode if you do not find ways to let the air out every now and then. The dates on the calendar do not need to cloud your entire season. They may shadow it, but they don't need to block out the sunlight completely.

So tonight, as I once again unclench my fists in front of my face, palms exposed and repeat "Let it go Joy, you can't change what is past", I'll let a little air out of my upcoming balloons. We will drink something appropriately called a "Let It Go" cocktail, and it's royal blue color will give me a happy reminder of a favorite color of a young man I will carry in my heart and soul forever. CHEERS FRIENDS!

Niko letting go!

Joy's Royal Blue Let It Go Cocktail**

Lime wedge
Coarse sugar or granulated sugar
Ice cubes
1/4 cup white grape juice cocktail
1 oz citron vodka or plain vodka
1 oz blue curacao
1 tablespoon fresh lime juice

Swipe the rim of a cocktail glass with a lime and coat with sugar. Pour Cranberry juice, lime juice, vodka and blue curacao into a shaker. Shake hard and pour into two glasses, or one if you are drinking alone :). Cheers!

**Always drink responsibly. Never drive after drinking.