I don't give up easily: A Joyous Perspective on knowing when to grab the towel.

Eddy, King of Clover Leaf.

This week as I prepared for our Thought Tale Hour, I was reminded of a tough thing I had to do last Saturday. The basis of the thing (in my estimation) involved my need to admit some failure and make the decision to make a change in our home. I pondered before and after the event, why it was so hard to do. After all, I thought I had reached the conclusion, at least, a month ago that it would be the best for all. But when the time came, and the door was opened, I felt a lump in my throat and a dread that ran down my spine. I recognized the signs of my persistent nature.  It's still not easy for me, but I can see that I have indeed gotten better about realizing when it's time, and so I thought I'd pass along a few of my perspectives on how I've learned to do this without the burden of regret.

The story of Mia, the mama mia of pets.

A few months back, my soul sister Ava discovered that she was having a terrible allergic reaction to two of her dogs. Much like us, she views her dogs as members of the family, and I knew it was going to be horribly hard to give these two loved ones away, whom she had raised since they were three weeks old. I had immediately considered that the female of the two, Mia, could be a good match for our family. She was part Sheltie and had the coloring of our beloved dog, Rocky, who passed away five years ago. We had discussed that it might be a good idea to try and get a 2nd dog to be a 'pal' to Eddy, our spirited Rat Terrier. So, after her brother was placed and she remained, I decided to step up and tell Ava we would take her. I was helping a dear person and giving a dog a new home. It all sounded perfect.

Unfortunately, it soon did not go easily, although I was in typical fashion refusing to acknowledge it. Mia was timid, and when faced with the likes of Eddy, she became nervous. Whenever she got into our laps, Eddy arrived to push her off. He wasn't interested in sharing his house, or his people. This turmoil probably contributed to her having trouble going outside to the bathroom, chewing my shoes and Chris' c-pap masks, and various other issues. All of these I could have, and would have, learned to accept. But I could not shake this feeling that Mia just really wasn't supposed to be our dog. I could cuddle her and play with her, but there just wasn't that heart connection. So what to do?

Blind persistence can be exhausting. Thankfully, I've learned this the HARD way...

Growing up, I refused to go to bed until I finished the last chapter of whatever book I was reading. That’s when I first understood that it could be difficult to give up, but I didn’t think my perseverance was a problem.

Soon after, however, I realized that blind persistence could turn into an exhausting and useless quest.  In the old days, when something unjust happened to me or to someone I loved, I worked relentlessly to “make things right.” In many occasions, my attempts to fix an adverse situation would only make matters worse. Sound familiar? No, well maybe some of these will:

• Wasting time and effort were trying to stay in touch with people who have no interest in keeping the friendship.
• Staying in a job where you are not happy, making yourself physically and emotionally ill.
• Persisting in futile efforts to save a troubled or disastrous marriage or relationship, living in pain or abuse. 

These kinds of experiences have taught me, among many things, that sometimes it’s imperative to open my eyes to the reality of the need to make a decision. Even a difficult one.

You might be experiencing a situation that isn’t working and wondering whether you should persevere a little longer. You might wonder whether more time will allow you to fix the problem or reach the goal. After all, people always say, “Never give up" as though to do so is always negative.

I came up with a list of some things to consider that might help to know if it's time to grab the towel, ready for the throw. Below are my favorites:

Your hope to solve a challenge takes over all other aspects of your life. 

If you feel that you are ignoring priorities because you can’t stop thinking about your situation, it might be time to reconsider the reasons you continue trying.

Working toward a worthwhile goal should be invigorating. Lack of excitement about achieving what you think you want probably means that you’ve become used to striving and never arriving. It’s become a routine that doesn’t serve you or the target; it just consumes you.

You justify a painful situation in the name of psychological comfort.

 Fear of the unknown or upsetting other people could be a real driver of your efforts because perceived safety and popularity are comforting.

What would your life be like if you stopped and walked away? Notice the first feeling that arrives when you ask this question. A sense of freedom or exhilaration is a sign you are ready to give up.

You start to feel incapable of success. 

Not being able to achieve your goal might result in self-doubt about your abilities. You might wonder whether there is something wrong with you. In most cases, a job, relationship, or project that hurts your belief in your skill isn’t worth it. It's insanity demonstrated by doing the same thing over and over, with the same result.

You’re alone in your desire to solve the problem or reach the goal, but the outcome also depends on other people.

This kind of consideration is particularly relevant in relationships. Letting go of relationships in which you’re the only person invested will produce temporary pain, but once you’ve overcome the negative emotions, you’ll be able to welcome loving and uplifting people into your life.

When you awake in the morning, your first thoughts are to give this up.

You’re most attuned to your intuition when you first open your eyes after a night of rest. Those first moments when you are free from emotional pulls and clutter are the clearest. Your intuition knows what is in your best interest.

When I chose to silence my inner voice, I am suffocating a vital part of my will to thrive and survive. Trust what you hear before you shut it up.

Because you are probably standing in the way of someone else's fulfillment.

I used the example of our little Miss Mia because it's not very complicated and easy to digest, but it does transfer to the bigger opportunities we have in our lives to make these tough decisions. Much like my story with Mia, the dog, sometimes, when we hold on and refuse to give up, we could be standing in the way of happiness for another. I concluded that I still believe in never giving up, but it's a good thing to know when to walk away. I am not 'throwing in the towel'. No, I'm using it to dry my eyes as I say 'farewell, and be well.' 

Mia and her new friend, Bob.

And so, that's what I did. Ava's daughter, Ariana and her three lovely children were thrilled to hear that Mia wasn't taking to our home and was looking for a forever home. Even as she tried to follow me out to our car, I was confident that we had made the right decision because my gut and the facts stood behind it. I had given her the freedom to be truly happy - and blessed a little family with a new member.

Walking away takes courage.

We think of giving up as the easy way out, and it can be. When I morph my persistent spirit into a walk away, it takes a fair amount of courage. So tonight, we will toast to the having the intestinal fortitude to walk away, and know when it's time to grab the towel. We are drinking my version of "Tequila Sunrise" - because nothing gives you courage like a shot of this spirit. And the sunrise part is for the hope that springs from doing the right thing, even when it's hard.  

CHEERS, FRIENDS!

Joy's Special Tequila Sunrise**

1 1/2 oz of Agave Tequilla

1/2 oz of Triple Sec

2 oz of fresh squeezed Orange Juice

1/2 oz of Pomegranate Juice

Fill a tall glass with  ice, then add the Tequilla and the Triple Sec. Next add the O.J. Pour in the Pomegranate Juice. (when drinking with Chenders, you must also add grenadine, or he will whine). Do not stir. Garnish with an Orange slice.

**Always drink responsibly. Never drive after drinking.