A Joyous Perspective on Trust: Give Forgiveness, Ask for Trust.

This week at the Friday Night Thought Tale Hour at the Henderson's, we are at the end of a week that left a few good life lessons in its wake. We get to the point in life where you think you are pretty good at seeing a potential error, especially when you are trying to avoid complication. But it's the little things, the ones that you thought were too small to really count - those are the ones that can bite you in the butt as you casually walk along your path. So tonight, I want to share some insights I've gathered on the important subject of trust, and the principle steps to take when it's been damaged.

I've looked at offending from both sides...

The best way to come to good conclusive learning forks in your life's road is to see something from both sides of the story. In this case, I've been the offended, and yes, the offender.

And there are some who you best just leave to fumigate....

There are those who overtly always seeking to be victimized, or want to blame someone for their problems. Worse yet, angry bullies who enjoy the act of pointing out errors so they can find your weak spots and exploit them. Seeking their trust is probably like a game of cat and mouse. Best to just smile and nod. That's another blog.

Instead, this is for those who you either by choice or circumstance have brought into your life. The people whose influence brings purpose, support and emotional reward to daily living. You never intend to cause them havoc, but when it happens, it's time to consider the following:

Understand. Take ownership. Respond. Allow healing.

Here are five essential points to remember when you wrong one of these people:

1) It doesn't matter how small you feel the error was. If it was large enough to them to be hurt, it's significant.

2) While they may need to hear 'why' the mistake happened, it's important to avoid at all costs using the reason as a justification. For them, there is no rational that makes the action acceptable.

3) It will be tempting to try and fill the air with your diatribe of explanation and sorrow, but now is not the time. It's a time to listen -  and absorb their feelings to the point of actually experiencing each one. You will not be able to respond correctly if you have no real idea of what actually offended them and why.

4) Ask questions, but with great care not to sound accusatory or flippant. Deeper probing is needed in order to understand, take ownership and respond. When someone has revealed their emotions, they feel vulnerable. Any air of superiority you present will only make you appear like a larger than life offender.

5) Rather than make suggestions about how you can 'fix' the issue, wait for them to present possible solutions. And this might take time. You may walk away from the encounter unsure of what they will want you to do, and that can be uncomfortable. Now is the time to relinquish control and allow the offender to take the reigns. If your goal is healing, you have to let the wound seal before moving again.

We can force forgiveness on anyone we please, but we can't force trust. 

We have to wait for trust to develop and if it's been breached, it has to be refortified. The old adage "Actions speak louder than words" is never truer than in the case of being the offender. Even if the offended voices their assurance of resilient trust, never assume it to be there.

Ask for trust, then act in trust. Not with well-crafted responses that will seem scripted. Consider what you would want to see happen, and use the information you receive from the offended. The good old Golden Rule applies here with perfection (as it oft does.)

That's me in the corner...

Now, here's an aside that I think is very important to making an ugly situation bring you growth: Don't beat yourself into a bloody emotional pulp. While, at the moment, this seems like a large error, down the road it will be a detail to your life. After a time of penitence, quietly remember that this is only a part of the whole ahead of you. I found this perfect quote:

"She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful." (Terri St. Cloud, http://www.bonesigharts.com/)

I believe that life is a giant learning experience and every pitfall and disappointment leaves us with a stronger foundation to stand on, as we begin again. This is eminently true when you are able to give this to the person you wronged, and see them walk away stronger. 

Tonight our cocktail is about making mistakes and coming out better on the other side. It's called a "Fresh Start", and while it won't make you forget your errors, it might help you to relax and smile for the chance at a tomorrow. As one of my favorite fictional characters said, "Tomorrow is a new day, with no mistakes in it yet!" CHEERS, FRIENDS!

The Fresh Start Cocktail**

1 oz of Effen Raspberry Vodka

1/2 oz of Peach Brandy

1/4 oz of Campari

1 oz of Sour Mix

Filled Shaker of crushed ice

Lemon slice for garnish

Place all liquors in the shaker and shake hard. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with a lemon.

***Always drink responsibly. Never drive after drinking.