A Joyous Perspective on Rejection: It's not as black and white as you think.

Eddy likes the smell of tonight's cocktail.

This week at the Friday Night Thought Tale Hour at the Henderson's, I wanted to talk about something I've been musing about for a few weeks. In both the infamous and the every day, you can find examples of people taking a blow we define as 'rejection.' As a rather soft-hearted person, I am usually quick to respond with, "It’s not about you. It’s about them. It’s their loss. Don’t take it personally. Shake it off." But recently, I've begun to consider that perhaps there's some real good that can come from rejection - even some lessons that can save us from bigger traumas. First, you have to get past the black and white of being rejected.

Rejections impressions start early and stay long.

I recall a time I learned and practiced all of the lines for the Summer School production of "Cinderella." I aced it, and Mrs. Overholt was ready to give it to me. Until, she asked me to stand next to the one of the two boys in the Drama class - the one she had pegged to play Prince Charming. I stood about 5 inches taller, and everyone knows that the Prince has to be taller than the Princess, right?

Senior year, feeling like an ogre.

As youngsters, it's easy to see these circumstantial and silly rejections as something more than they are. I thought for sure it meant I wasn’t talented or lovable. Kids beat themselves up and wish that someone people wouldn’t so quickly put them on the 'others' list. Many of us more than likely have these moments of a place where we found ourselves constantly searching for a way to compensate for something we could not control. Now that's pretty black and white. Boys did get taller, but I always felt like a big old ogre through grade school. I gave up on ever being a feminine woman, and it took years to convince myself that I am, in fact, very feminine and delicate.

As you grow older, it becomes more apparent that you can't control these incidences of rejection.  They still hurt, but you can begin to buy into the adage that 'it's not about you, it's about them'. Everyone says this thought will comfort you; there's still a nagging feeling that this wasn't entirely accurate.  But there is still the issue of more adult rejections that seem a little nebulous and without reason.  Jobs we knew we were perfect for, relationships we thought would last forever, misunderstandings not rectified.  Perhaps you turn to blaming others, which doesn't lead to anything but cynism or being a victim. Or you might cower and resign, which leads to a life of looking in from the sidelines. Or still, grow angry and throw yourself into just being a rebel - without cause.

Or, you can try taking a look into the gray.

Sometimes, it takes a serious rejection and seeing your bad reaction to that situation to make you stop and reconsider. It's a crossroads point, and in mine, I started to see beyond the simplicity of black-and-white thinking and recognize a beautiful gray area in that rejection. That gray area was the key to bouncing back from rejection and what I found there was the key to learning about myself from these occurrences. It became a key to changing how I lived in the world, and how I experienced it. I have accepted that somewhere in the gray there is a lesson.
This lesson is not about your worthiness as a person - only about your potential for growth. An area where you can learn and improve.

In this gray area, rejection sometimes is about us, but never about our value. When you adopt this thinking, you see rejections of your past in a new light. In youth, it's easy to believe in your dreams, but putting forth the hard work that goes along with it is another story. The rejection you received did not mean you were untalented or unworthy and needed to move on to something else. There was simply something that needed work and consideration. For me, this gray area is about the extra effort and focus it takes to produce or refine the results demanded my efforts. As a parent and grandparent, it adds a little extra precision to my words of comfort and encouragement after a rejection for one of my loved ones.

Our relationships with others is an area often filled with the experience of rejection. Matters of the heart are rarely black and white. In the gray, we can see that it's not about a lack of worthiness to be loved, or even the ability to love another. For me, I frequently looked to others to fill gaps in my self-esteem. I was insecure and unwilling to heal the pain that caused me to focus all my attention on winning their approval. This fault didn't mean I couldn't love and have a lasting relationship. I had experienced tremendous pain, and I needed to recover and learn to appreciate myself before I could truly understand or be loved by others. That was what I found in the gray area of a failed relationship.

Sounds simple, right? But it's not.  The growth is often filled with lots of sweat, a few tears and even sometimes a little blood.

It would be easier just to keep dealing with rejection as a victim, sideliner or rebel. You can respond to even the tiniest of rejections with, “There’s something wrong with me, or them, or why should I try just to get rejected.” And it is terribly tempting to stay there. In a way, it feels safer. It was a place where you can avoid future rejections. And when you conclude that you are unworthy and undeserving of achieving, you find people and situations that confirm it. It all just melts together. A safe place. But safe isn’t a place where we learn or grow. It’s not the key to feeling alive, engaged, challenged, or proud of the way we’re participating in the world.

So be grateful for rejections. They enable you to identify areas for growth, to develop confidence while making progress in these fields, and to tame the cruel, critical voice inside that hurts far more than anyone else’s rejection. We all have a voice in our head like this, and it has a habit of getting louder right when we need support and understanding the most. It will try to remind you of rejection. It is tempting to interpret “no” as “no, you don’t matter.” In those times, practice your response, “Yes, you do. Now prove it. Keep learning. Keep growing. And keep participating because you have so much more to give.” Remember, some of the most incredible humans experienced the most amazing rejection. There's a Psalm that says "The same Rock that the builders rejected has become the cornerstone." Growth comes from seeking, not sinking. 

Joy's quick tips for coping with rejection:

• Don't hide from it. Sometimes you can smell it coming. Face it.
• Don't be afraid of it. It will only hurt you as much as you allow it to.
• Don't forget it until you've learned something from it. No matter how small.
• Once you've found the gray nugget of wisdom, stop reliving the pain and bask in the joyous perspective you've now added to your repertory.

So tonight, Chris and I will be drinking a couple of seasonal Martini's made with, of course, Grey Goose. We will toast to spicy goodness that comes from rejection with our once rejected and then rescued Rat Terrier Eddy. After all, we most likely would not be sitting here together had it not been for a few rejections we've each lived through in our lives. Here's to bouncing back with a smile. CHEERS, FRIENDS!

Joy's Ginger Wonderland Grey Goose Martini***

Ingredients:
1 oz GREY GOOSE La Poire 
1 oz DISARONNO Originale Liqueur 
½ tsp Maple Syrup 
1 oz Apple Cider
1/2 oz Lemon Juice 

1 Pinch Pumpkin Pie Spice

Directions:
Dip the outer lip of a martini cocktail glass in apple cider and roll in pumpkin pie spice. Set aside.
In a cocktail shaker filled with crushed ice, combine all ingredients.
Shake vigorously, and strain into prepared martini cocktail glass.

Garnish with crystallized ginger (if you can find it)

***Remember, never drive after drinking alcohol.