A Joyous Perspective on Family Ties: Shining a new light on legacies

This week at our Friday Night Thought Tale Hour with the Hendersons, it's the final weekend before Thanksgiving. A day when many American families will come together to share a meal and make a point of being grateful. While many folks will look forward to and enjoy this gathering, there are also a great many other people who will dread it, and even those who will be sure that it may just end in a brawl. Family ties can indeed be like a noose around the neck. Anger and hurt are the very last thing we want to share on a day when we are supposed to be celebrating abundance and love. But if it has become a habit and a part of the tradition, it's a hard thing to break.

But what if we decided to focus on everything that is right about our families instead of all that is wrong? 

Even in the largest of family groups, can we find kindred spirits and stake our claim to a new legacy for our clan? I want to share an experience from my life that I hope will encourage you if you find yourself feeling the pressure of your family ties this holiday season.

The three of us with oldest daughters circa 1988

Recently, I had the great pleasure of spending time with two of my cousins while in California. We were born nearly within three weeks of each other at the end of 1959 and 1960. Marlene, Darlene, and Joy. (There was a discussion about naming me, Arlene. Suffice it to say I am kind of happy that didn't stick.) The three of us were born into a family rife with anger and contention. The nature of this had much to do with the actions and outcomes of people born generations before our parents. And yet, they seemed to hold fast to grievances of their parents and their extended families. As the 3 of us sat there together in the warm sunshine, one thing seemed clear: None of us felt connected to the bitterness we had observed for most of our lives. While we certainly had experienced pain due to generations of strife, we all could now look back on it and see how we had broken free from it and allowed it to make us better.

So how did that "happen"?

Me and Darlene, three months old.

During the hours of catching up on 30 years of history, one commonality appeared to me that could be a critical part of creating a positive family legacy. Each one of us had some independence from the larger group. It wasn't that we didn't stay in touch or that we disowned our roots. On the contrary, we held high esteem for where our families had come from, and all that they had endured surviving. But we each had built our individuality and then 'family' around our spouses and following children. As we came to understand the ways our families had passed on behaviors that were less than desirable, we each made a decision to separate ourselves and build new standards for future. 

We were still 'tied, ' but it was with a loving sense of freedom, not a curse.

We spent the balance of our time together talking about the significant parts of our joint family, and all the fabulous shared memories we had together. Far from being in denial, when you have broken that 'generational curse' as Marlene called it, you no longer are ashamed of the unlovely parts of family memories. Even those, in their ability to destroy, have only served to make us stronger.

The gap had been long closed, and now we can build upon it.

There can be deep division in families, and it seems the holiday season often brings attention to each one. While the genetic relationship you have with others should bring a sense of security, these wide gaps do nothing but make you feel unsafe and vulnerable. It's interesting how some of the most significant family feuds can arise from small and meaningless disagreements. In reality, they are hovering over a more considerable hurt, or a point of confusion, or even a second-hand message taken out of context. While it is the natural thing to focus on the gap, I want to encourage you to look instead to the ways you are connected. Is it worth it? Well, considering all that your ancestors may have endured establishing a legacy for you and yours, I would submit that you owe them at least a try.

Still gorgeous pushing 56

But there will be some that you will have to stop enabling to carry on the destruction.

Each of the three of us has indeed tried to keep every family member a part of our lives, but some of them are no longer in our legacy. Knowing what we do about the pain, dysfunction and habitual resentment that has reigned in our families, we have chosen compassion, not judgment. Each of us has known the value of forgiveness and restoration in a personal way. Extending this same gift to even the worst of offenders is a crucial part of one's own healing, but it may not always be accepted. Sometimes, you have to make the tough decision to restrict access to your life and those that you hold dear to those who seem hellbent on reviving and carrying forth the generational curse of destruction. Just because they are related to you, it doesn't give them a right to continue to hurt you. Proverbs 17 comes to mind: "Better a dry crust with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting, with strife." It might be better just to stay home and cuddle with the dog.

Tia and cousin Ravi

A legacy of love and hope rekindled often, will grow into a 'bond'fire.

So tonight, please join us as we toast to building a healthy and robust legacy as we prepare to kindle the relationship fires that keep them growing. I decided to make something a little fancy, but with a good old traditional part to honor the roots called "It feels like a holiday." Here's to the many new memories we will build over the next few weeks and the old memories that make us all who we are. CHEERS, FRIENDS!

Joy's "It feels like a holiday" Cocktail***

1 oz  Corsair Pumpkin Spice Moonshine*

1 oz grenadine syrup

3 oz Lamarca Processco

Stir moonshine and grenadine with ice. Pour into a champagne flute without the ice. Fill up with Prosecco. 

*You can also substitute a spiced flavor Vodka.

***Always drink responsibly. Never drive after drinking alcohol.