A Joyous Perspective on Being Still, and Powerfully Listening (I'm still learning)

This week at the Friday Night Thought Tale Hour with the Hendersons, I am sharing a few things I learned this week about listening. That profound and cooperative action of sitting silently while another person talks. Not thinking about what you want to say or will say when there's an opening, nor making a grocery list in your mind for later. Just sincerely listening. And not only to others, but to yourself as well. I'm learning the real meaning of 'active listening.' It's far less action and much more of being still.

And I guess I will be a lifelong student of this because I like to talk. A lot.

Talking is how I get ideas and work through concepts I’m trying to figure out. It’s how I get myself motivated when I feel helpless or calm myself down when I feel stressed. As much as I like to talk, what I want is to connect. I talk about what I know about things because I want to show that I have something to offer. That I’m worth listening to and wanting to be around. It feels like I am giving something of myself.

But talking is not giving. It feels like giving, 

but it isn’t.

A conversation where people are talking, but not listening, is not a conversation. It’s self-centered, unsatisfying, and does absolutely nothing to build real connections. You may think that by telling a friend about what you do that you are inspiring her, but she has other worries and blocks that are keeping her from ever applying what insights she may gain from your overly generous monolog. But you miss them when you are talking, not listening.

Perhaps we avoid listening because we are much more vulnerable during those times.

When we are giving the other person full attention, we are holding space for them in our thoughts. They have control over the conversation. As I sit, and my thoughts are free to race, keeping them focused on the other person is tough - almost just like meditating. Talking a mile a minute is so much easier, even when we are competing with them for the floor.  I’m letting the other person form their opinion of me. Instead of trying to direct it. I am “just me,” and I can’t put on a mask through my words, opinions, and knowledge.

I don’t need always to share a story of my own to connect. My heart knows how to connect without the help of my words.

It can be more empowering just to listen rather than “fix.” I don’t need to give everyone the brilliant solution they require. I’ve learned that I can be most helpful when I just give people space they so desperately need; then they are free to discover their solutions and are much more open to seeing and implementing them. Talking about my achievements, opinions, conclusions, and lessons learned is a lot of fun. But listening for an hour, actually connecting, entirely being there, and watching the other person relax, unfurl, and bloom is priceless. We can develop trust, which adds a lot of cement to our relationships.

We learn something new about ourselves as we

exercise our ability to listen.

It teaches us we can quiet our minds. No matter what is going on in our lives, or around us, we can give another person our full attention. And when you are not exerting so much energy talking, you have more energy to focus on yourself and understand what those inner thoughts mean for you. And what you need to do with them...

I had an experience this week that proved this to me tenfold. I was dealing with a fairly life-changing issue for me, and I was seriously frustrated with the place I found myself. I started to jump at the most logical thing, I even talked to myself out loud, "Just call _____." But then, I stopped. "Listen," I thought. And when I got quiet, and I listened, I changed my course. And guess what? It was just what I need to do. It wasn't what I think another person would have told me to do, but it was what my inner voice knew was right. (Update to 2019, I listened and I was given permission to act in a way I knew deep inside I needed to.)



So tonight we will toast to the art of listening, and getting better at it with age. I found a cocktail called, "I'm Listening."  Here's to a week filled with many lessons in the subtler benefits of listening, and to the ways that doing it better spread a lot more joy. CHEERS, FRIENDS!

Joy's I'm Listening Cocktail***

• 3 oz. Hard Ginger Ale

• 1 oz. Blue Curacao (substitute 2 oz white grape juice for mocktail)

• 1 oz. Van Gogh Blueberry Acai Vodka (substitute 1 oz lime juice for mocktail)

• Fresh mint

• 1 oz. Coconut Pineapple juice

• Fresh blueberries for garnish

In a shaker filled with ice, mix vodka (or lime juice) and coconut pineapple juice. Add blue curacao (or white grape juice), fresh mint and blueberries. Shake, strain, and top with Hard Ginger Ale. Garnish with fresh blueberries.