A Joyous Perspective on Decision Making: When it's time to change.

For tonight's Friday Night Thought Tale Hour at the Henderson's, we finish up a look at the subject of decisions. I've looked at the power behind having a decision before you and how the most significant ones are those we should seek out. It's a tall order, however, to be convinced that being faced with a decision is a good thing. Don't we want those calm life waters and consistency to rule our days? Of course, but what about when we realize we are not enjoying the status quo, and we are no longer reaching our fullest potential there? That's when we know; it's time for a change, and hence, a decision about how.

Over the last four years,  I have made some big changes in my life. And by big, I mean enormous.

It's not that I had not made sweeping decisions and changes before. I ended a 19-year marriage, moved halfway across the country, got remarried. But four years ago, I decided to change my career path entirely. I decided that I would do what I always wanted to do - help others. I went from a marketing and business

focus to a social work and service focus. And I didn't just decide to work with people who needed marginal assistance. I decided to go to work for a couple of companies that served the Developmentally Disabled. No small challenge and a significant learning curve were involved. My income was cut in half, but my joy was over doubled. But still, when I list out all the changes this decision impacted, I start to question my sanity.

This decision was so outside of who 

I knew myself to be. 

I was not bred to believe in taking chances, to live on instinct alone, and to leave anything that resembled security. You just don’t do that. But something was stirring in me that kept me unsettled. When I saw the advertisement for an Employment Specialist in the paper, and later for a Line Therapist working with Children with Autism, I saw a chance I wanted to take. I knew those changes were not guaranteed to work in my favor. I was scared - no, terrified - to alter the course of my life, but standing still and pursuing a high-powered position gave me, even more, anxiety. For me, it came down to this quote:

“When we can no longer change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” 

~Viktor Frankl

How do you make the decision to change your entire life and know if it's right for you?

I want to share with you a technique that simplifies the agonizing back and forths of “should I or shouldn’t I?” One I wished I learned when I was younger to ward off some major bouts of indecisiveness and internal torment. Although in retrospect, I would not have been ready to use it until I was ready to hear it. In my younger days, it would have seemed impossible to do. Here it is, plain and straightforward:

To make the decision, take the fear out, then you’ll know.

This action might sound nuts to you even now in your life.  How do you keep yourself safe if you don’t live in the fear? In fact, fear is safe.  It's nice to know exactly what to expect, right? And that's the thing that is keeping you from the challenge of changing yourself and decide.

When facing a decision, ask yourself the question out loud and then take the fear out. Completely out. No worries in the world, fairy tale ending out. Take a moment to conceptualize what the fears looked like and what they are. My biggest concern was that I didn't have the patience and stamina to work with people who have special needs. What if I tried and I failed? What would I do?

To discard the fear, I had to “what if” the opposite.

“What if I tried and succeeded? How would I feel if I found ways to grow in my vulnerable areas? What other strengths could I bring to the table? How could I be an example of teaching an old dog new tricks?" I resisted the urge to hear fearful lies. When we tell ourselves lies, it feels awful; when we speak the truth, it is light and freeing. Each truth I spoke felt closer to answering my question.

You've got to call them out and challenge each one.

Not only did I have to identify each fearful “what if,” I had to remove them. This can be done by listing them on paper and crossing them out or just calling them by name and removing them from the equation like they don’t exist. I saw them each, one by one, stand up to me. And then, one by one, I asked them to leave the room. And there came my answer: it was time to let go and find my new path.

It was not an answer I particularly liked, nor was it easy. In fact, it was one of the hardest answers I’ve ever had to accept. But it was honest, and it was accurate. Our heart always knows the solution when we gain the courage to ask.

Since that day, I have been faced with a multitude of opportunities to use and teach this technique. It has never steered me wrong. And throughout making the changes, I had to walk through those fears with each step. They appear over and over again and need to be confronted on a regular basis. It is not an easy task, but it’s no more challenging than living with them. Living in fear is not far from not living at all. 
It is intermittently debilitating and paralyzing, yet always extraordinarily painful, even when it’s safe.

It's good to look back once we move forward and decide.

Whenever I hit the wall of self-doubt since following through with the decisions I’ve made, I look back at who I was a few years ago and ask what she would think of me. The answer is consistent and offers me great humility. I am the woman I would have respected from afar. A woman strong enough to live a life she didn’t know she wanted at first glance, but one that allowed her to be her authentic self. I chose to take the fear out and in turn, chose to live as myself.

And now, as I am facing another significant decision, I am once again taking my own advice. (Have I told you how hard it is to publish to the world what you believe in and then do it?) I am calling out my fears, one by one, and do the reverse 'what if?' on each one. So far, so good. I'll keep you posted (wink).

So tonight, we are toasting to fearless decision making. I made a cocktail I call, "A Fearless Focus." It's guaranteed to keep you warm while you are considering your next big move. Making a big decision? Go ahead, take the fear out and then you will know what it is your heart and soul wants you to know. CHEERS, FRIENDS!

Joy's Fearless Focus Cocktail***

4 oz chilled Jim Beam Black Label Bourbon Whiskey
2-16 oz chilled Sobe® No Fear energy drink
2 oz of Pomegranate Juice
4 oz chilled Orange Cream Vodka
Star Fruit
(serves two)

Fill two tall glasses with crushed ice. Pour each ingredient in one at a time. Stir gently. Garnish with a star fruit to remind you to keep reaching for them. Munch on a few Goldfish Crackers.

***Always drink responsibly. Never drive after drinking alcohol.