A Joyous Perspective on Forgetting: The art of keeping history

On this Friday at the Thought Tale Hour with the Henderson's, we find ourselves on the weekend of a date that brings up many thoughts: September 11. I realized while writing this that there are many humans alive today who were either too young to recall the events in 2001, or not even born yet. It made me think of other historical dates that I did not live through or was very young for, but that still come to my mind: December 7.... November 22... Well, really, it's interesting that so much has happened during my lifetime. If you are a 50-something or above, you know what I mean. We could argue that there's just more awareness of events, so it appears there are more - but I think there is just seriously a glut of historical trauma and turmoil during our lifetimes.

It made me realize how much we have to pass along.

As I sorted through my thoughts on 'Forgetting' on my Joyous Perspective page this week, I began to see the long-term benefits of never forgetting. Not the pieces of our life and history that bring us fear or shame. If we have faced and forged through something, we don't need to continue to resuscitate it daily or even yearly. But

those sections and events that will lose something once we are no longer here to talk about them. Our perspective and first-hand knowledge add special meaning. We can help those who were not born or do not remember the thing feel like they were there, and that they understand the emotions and imagery surrounding us during that time.

And even more significant to never forgetting are the people we have known who are no longer with us.

This week, as I worked with my soul sister Ava to complete an event in honor of our sons, the realization of why memorials are so vital struck me deeply. Not just symbols or a few words inscribed on a stone, but living demonstrations of the lives of those we knew

so very well. 

It's not comfortable for people to hear about an individual who has died, especially if it was tragic. The trouble is, that if you don't recount and relay the history of the person, you run the risk of forgetting. And if you forget, you risk the devastation of that person disappearing. So telling their story, and the stories about them become an unofficial mission. A life purpose, if you will.

However, it's important to find a way for never forgetting to not become your ONLY purpose. 

I know people whose entire lives have become a shrine to a loved one's memory. While I would certainly never presume to judge their behavior, I ache for the way it puts them into a self-erected prison of sorts. Whenever I see myself slipping into a mode of continuously connecting every dot in my life to my deceased son, I ask myself, "What would I want him to be doing if the tables were turned?" I would want him never to forget me, but not to hold me in front of him like a barrier, or carry me around like a burden. That is how I have learned to balance that part of never forgetting.

Never forgetting and keeping a memory alive is an art.

Living with grief entails forgetting the worst parts of the pain and the experiences surrounding it. And when you begin to see those parts diminish, you begin to find the ways you can celebrate the memory of the life you held dear. You will carry with you the essence of who they were, and find the means to impart their personage into opportunities to memorialize them. 

You will slip a great story about something they did or said into a conversation when appropriate, and other times, just smile when something reminds you of them. When they come up at a family gathering, you'll find a way to tell a funny story, and encourage everyone else to do the same. It becomes an art form not to make them the elephant in the room, but to find ways to make them the every present ray of sunshine. I can't outlive the memories, so I do things to make sure they go on, even after I am gone.

So tonight, Chris and I are thinking of the multiple thousands of people who will be remembering someone they never want to forget this Sunday, September 11th. For those who are still trapped in the web of grief, we hope for healing. For those who have found a way

never to forget and carry on, we hope for strength. And for all of us who remember that day 15 years ago, we hope that we find ways to tell our stories, with all the many perspectives, so that those who were not there will never forget. I have created a drink called, "Do you remember the time that..." in honor of never forgetting fond memories of those not with us tonight. Here's to never forgetting, ever. CHEERS, FRIENDS.

Joy's 'Do you remember the time that...' Cocktail**

2 oz Midori® melon liqueur

2 oz vanilla vodka

1 oz pineapple liqueur

Drizzle of Blue Curacao

1-2 cup ice

orange slices

Blend ingredients until smooth. Pour into a tall glass. Drizzle Blue Curacao down the middle of the drink. Garnish with orange slices.

**Always drink responsibly. Never drive after drinking alcohol.