A Joyous Perspective on Self-Coaching: Even the weakest can survive.

On this Friday Night Thought Tale Hour with the Hendersons, I am feeling more than a little relieved to finally reach the end of the week. While I indeed am grateful for the life I live, filled with family, friends and a place of employment that brings me joy, my world is not void of challenge. And while some of those bumps in the road come from expected sites, the ones that really can nearly knock me on my rear are those that come at me from the shadows, or from what should be a 'friendly' corner. Getting knocked down isn't the issue. I believe a good knocking down is a benefit to all of us from time to time. Keeps us humble. No, for me, it's managing my response to the offensive. Not allowing it to be either a lasting wound, a gaping sore or even an ugly scar. I don't do victim well, so I have to find an alternative that does not bring nuclear meltdown. Destruction isn't an option.

Because you see, I'm a Survivor.

Someone who should have been a protector of me but was instead an observer of my being pummeled once said about me, "Joy is like a cat, she always seems to land on her feet." I remember hearing about this person saying this and wondering how in the world they chose to believe this about me. Although I could understand that they might be able to provide evidence of the statement via my life to that point, I indeed was human and incapable of always finding my footing in a fall. A little later, after seeking counseling to heal some wounds and find peace, I came to realize that this person was merely helping themselves to feel better about their decision to allow for my potential demise. If I was perfectly alright with being tossed out a window, then they were okay for enabling it. In reality, what they missed were my survivor instincts kicking in. 

I am confident many of you know what I mean.

Learning to manage my response as a survivor has been 

one of my most significant challenges.

I know how to fight back, and I know how to make sure people think twice before coming at me again. An intruder to my home, or someone who is harming a member of my family, or a helpless person will feel me full force. But through

patient and hard work, I have learned how to distinguish between reckless and driven intentions. We just can't respond to both motivations in the same way if we hope to grow in our understanding of others and advance as a society. It's something I work on regularly, and with help, I'm getting better.

There's an excellent little book that I recommend. It's called Emotional Intelligence 2.0 by Bradberry and Greaves (more info). It's an easy read, but you have to be careful not to skip over juicy tidbits. I found several of the principles in the book useful as I faced incoming salvos in life.

Because Life isn't fair, is it?

And, "There's nothing you can do about it..." And, "It isn't always up to you..." The authors of 2.0 discuss how we parents tend to beat these mantras into our children's heads as though there were some secret Mom and Dad manual that directed us to do so. But what we do not always teach along with the mantra is this: 

You still have a choice in how you respond to what's before you. You can't forever change what's happening or how a person is treating you, but you can change your perspective on the matter. 

Ultimately, that action will define your feelings on what is going on. It's the feelings that motivate our responses. Fight and destroy, or even worse, flight and be demoralized.

To be peaceful, we can think giving up is the right choice.

But peace through weakness is really no resolution. You are only teaching the offender that they can have ongoing control over you, and like a wild beast to blood, they'll be back for more. Why give over power to someone else? You might feel trapped and enslaved, but is that really where you want to stay? 

Instead of shrinking, focus your attention on your freedoms rather than your limitations.

It's not as easy as it sounds. You see, we avoid looking at our freedoms because that will demand we take accountability for what we have control over. We'd much rather play the blame game, or sing the song of 'poor me.' All the actions that merely confirm your helplessness. 

When I'm accountable, I'm no longer helpless. I become powerful - or at least I am acting like I am. 

Even the weak can flex their muscles when they stand up 

and take responsibility for their response.

It doesn't mean you will walk away strutting in the afterglow of seeing a Goliath fallen by your little rock of courage. But what it does say is that you have taught yourself that you can find flexibility and remain open to other possibilities in dealing with a difficult person or situation. 
If you come away learning something valuable, the encounter becomes a blossom on your life's tree vs. a blight. And the next time you're caught in this kind of situation, you will be more likely to embrace it, knowing you can gather more understanding.

And you'll be able to help others. 

You won't be a cheerleader. 

You'll be a coach. 

In those times when we feel most attacked, it's essential to have coaches in your corner telling you that you can get back into the ring. 

Doesn't that sound better?

So tonight, Chris and I will be enjoying some time in front of the fire during a 'Winter Storm Advisory.'  A Winter storm in Spring? Yes, it happens. Surprise. We'll be toasting to facing down another surprise by drinking some Triptych Beer called, "No Stranger To Love." Gratefully, even in the worst of times, we can always count on this.  Cheers, Friends!