A Joyous Perspective on Growing Through Disagreement: 5 steps to getting there.

It's Friday again, and time for another Friday Night Thought Tale Hour with the Hendersons. Tonight's post is for anyone who has ever disagreed with the people they love the most. It is for those who have gotten into an impasse with the ones they respect and admire. Who have found themselves feeling hurt by the people who usually give them the most support.  My goal is to remind you that these disagreements do not have to lead to regret. Indeed, they can lead to our deepest growth if we so choose.

But I’m getting ahead of myself…

While my name is ‘Joy,' I don’t always spread it. Despite my best

intentions, I don’t always have the most harmonious conversations.
When it comes to my family, especially my large blended family, my ego struggles with second-guessing their words, choices, and actions, and in turn, second-guessing my own. I welcome criticism, but this is something different. It's a complete difference of opinion about what is right, and what is not correct. Not a suggestion to change, but more of demand. The truth is, I am no more “right” than they are.

But walking away when hearing or seeing something very out of wack is hard.

I can still get triggered when I don't see eye to eye with someone I care about, and that’s how I knew this was an area where I had an opportunity to grow.
So I asked my higher self. 

How can I balance lovingly hearing my family and those I interact with without necessarily agreeing with the content of their message?

And how can I bring loving awareness to the conversation, accepting with my heart while releasing the need to fully comprehend it in my head? It is not a simple process, as most growth is a painful stretch. But like it or not, the answers I heard from below are important elements we need to digest if we wish to bring a higher awareness to a lowly feeling. 

1. Forgive first.

Start with forgiving yourself first, as holding onto guilt rarely serves us in life but can certainly keep us stuck. In fact, even if the conflict began with your words or actions, you are still worthy of forgiveness. I think we resist doing this because we fear we are justifying bad behavior. Remember you are in it for the big picture, and forgiving yourself first will free you to take the next step, which is to forgive the person you’re in conflict with, whether it’s your

parent, child, a close friend, your significant other or a colleague.
Of course, this might prove to be more difficult if the other person was especially critical, unloving, and unkind, but we can recognize that forgiveness does not mean agreement, and that the mere act of forgiving gives us freedom from the bondage of resentment.  Forgiveness is as much about self-preservation as it is about letting go of how you were hurt. Once there, you can push forward to the next step with freedom:

2. Look for the love.

There is always love, but there are times when it’s easier to see than others. Sometimes to find it, you have to peel off the layers of fear first. Fears and anxieties hide the love and the care. It may be questioning your intentions or opinions, or perhaps someone accuses you of something you feel is a direct attack on your character. Even after you’ve forgiven, you may still feel nothing but fear and concern. How could they possibly be showing care or love to you?
Remember, they only sharing from their own experience and knowledge. Limited as it may be, it still belongs to them.
By shining light on the intentions rather than the words, I was able to feel the connection without the need to judge whether I agreed with the content or not.
Give yourself a clearer perspective on how you can change the situation rather than trying to modify the situation itself. This will take a large dose of the next step. Ready?

3. Open your mind.

In Yoga practice, much is spoken about the “beginner’s mind,” an attitude of openness that eagerly seeks new ideas and perceives old ones with a new lens and a new breath. As I’ve learned and am growing in practice, the flow looks something like this:

Before each conversation consciously set the intention to receive the words and exchange of energy with a kind and open mind. 

This is a particular challenge when you feel the conversation going

down a well-worn path. But by staying present and checking in with yourself, you can allow yourself to really get curious about what was being shared as if it were being shared for the first time. As though it were brand new. When we do this, we could honestly learn something new, releasing any ideas around whether it was “right” or “wrong.” We can’t make that judgment yet because we need time to consider it versus an immediate reaction. We can actually appreciate our differences, which bring the next step:

4. Embrace the contrasts in the world.

 Once you feel the connection and indeed hear what the other person has to say, it will be time for you to recognize whether or not you still disagree. If, after tuning into your intuition, you still felt rooted in your original choice, then you now have one more opportunity to nurture your own growth by recognizing their selection as a valid option. Now that’s some work. 
We can actually become grateful for them and their differences. You will see how you are growing through this disagreement. So why are they not growing? It might be time to:

5. Release responsibility for the growth of others.

This might be the most difficult step to follow, because, at the end of the day, we only want peace amongst ourselves and those we love. But as many of us have experienced, this peace cannot always be achieved, despite committing to all of the above.

“We find comfort among those who agree with us, growth among those who don’t.” 

~Frank A. Clark

The greatest act of love can come from owning our own peace.

We can empower the other person to seek their own growth and remember that the only peace and growth that we are actually responsible for resides in our own hearts, and ours alone.

So tonight, I am serving a cocktail I call, "Peace Offering". It is not making peace with others that helps us grow, but the act of offering it and being willing to accept whatever is returned. Here's to your finding ways every day to find your own peace and to keep it safe in your heart. Cheers, Friends!

Joy's  Peace Offering Cocktail***

2 oz of Amaretto

2 oz of Peach Vodka

2 oz of half and half

Whipped Cream

Crushed ice

Place all of the above in a shaker and shake hard. Place in a martini glass. Garnish with a cherry and a squirt of whipped cream.

***Always drink responsibly. Never drive after consuming alcohol.