A Joyous Perspective on Raising Responsible Adults: It's alright to ask for amends.

It's Friday, and time for another Friday Night Though Tale Hour with the Hendersons. When you get to be my age, most of your friends and colleagues will have children that have reached young adulthood. It's interesting to discuss how Parenting begins to change as your 'kids' get to the age of responsibility. No longer are you lamenting about nap time and potty training, but you are still comparing notes on just what you might be doing right and wrong. Your once small individuals are now large and in charge people. They no longer play frisbee in the house and break your crystal. They don't tell your relatives that they smell funny or have big thighs. 

But this doesn't mean they don't commit offenses that can often demand your attention.

Now, you might not be cleaning up broken glass or explaining their

lack of filter due to age, but you are still left at times with a bit of a mess. Messes that you might only learn about long after the fact -  when they find that they can't repair this one on their own. Messes that spill over onto many facets of their lives, and yours. They don't always come to you for help in fixing it all up again, but when they do, it takes careful thought to react in a way that promotes growth versus stifling them. Sometimes, it helps to go back to seeing them as the little child who you find in the bathroom, happily flushing down cash in the toilet. 

First, you tell them to 'stop'...

Although they are old enough to know better about what might have been the source of the messy outcome, your kid still may be seeking someone to tell them to cease the behavior. Humans often want an authority to tell them no. Of course, you should be prepared for them to rationalize about how you are wrong, or why they 'got this,' even after asking for your help. Helping them through to acceptance of what they need to do can take some time. But those parents who are in it for the long haul refuse to give up - until they agree to stop. Or at least try...

But stopping and admitting there is a problem are only the beginning.

Taking steps to repair a messy situation are important, but far from the resolution. They may need you to help to stay the course, or they may require you to plot the course. It's not an easy dance.  I've been here, and I can tell you I've done it well at times and at other occasions, I've missed the mark. I learn more every time it happens, and also from observing other parents of adults around me. And as I considered how this can both help and hinder the production of responsible adults, I came to an important conclusion:

Perhaps the most important part of admitting a mistake and making a change is to begin by saying, "I'm sorry."

I used to calm myself down whenever I discovered something broken or demolished in my house by saying, "There is nothing that isn't replaceable." I never wanted my kids to think that stuff was more valuable than they were. However, I did want them to respect and value what I had value for. This meant that when they were ready to admit they had been the culprit, it was time to find a way to say 'I'm sorry".  I was teaching them to be responsible and have empathy for others. Why is it this seems to change, and we don't feel entitled to ask for amends when they become adults?

Certainly, some of their adult mistakes are more painful and effectual to our lives than their child ones.

Although I don't think I need more evidence here of how important

it is to ask our adult children to say they are sorry, I found some great back up in the 'mother' of all programs to repair: Alcoholics Annonymous. (I know, a reference to AA in a blog featuring alcohol is sort of ironic, but stay with me.) 

Step 8 of the 12 steps says the following:

"Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all."

In Step 8 of Alcoholics Anonymous, you identify the wrongs of your past so that you can repair the damage you've done. Then, you devise a plan for creating healthy relationships moving forward.

If you have continued to parent effectively through adulthood, are you not deserving of a healthy relationship with your kid?

We shirk from it because we don't devise ways to bring shame upon our children. Shame is what we suppose would be the very thing that would keep them recovering from whatever habit or hell has held them hostage. Remember, however, that shame is all about the delivery, not the definition. When you ask for amends, don't play the authoritarian or even the authority. Be the person they have always looked to for guidance. The one who has loved them despite every mistake or mishap. The one who has earned the amends.

You'll be passing along some precious life lessons.

Again, from AA, and experience, asking for amends teaches others to recognize and be responsible for the effects of their actions. It's a common thing to always blame others for our mishaps. Parents, we take a lot of the fire in this way, don't we? When you ask for amends, you are helping your adult child to realize they need to face the gravity of what has happened, and how they are at the center of the earthquake. Yes, you have weaknesses, and no one is a perfect parent. And yet, they have a choice and the freedom to make those choices. 

We know this because we've been there.

While you may not have experienced directly whatever mess your adult child finds themselves within, you do understand being in a mess of some sort. It's okay to remind them that you too have screwed up in life, and even had to be taught how to use a toilet. 

So tonight, Chris and I will enjoy a favorite beer of mine called "Namaste White" Namaste is a term that means I bow to you, and all that is in you. Here's to being bold enough to ask for amends, and having the grace to deliver the thank you with peace. Cheers.