A Joyous Perspective on Failure: It's not what you can't control that counts

It's Friday, and time for another Friday Night Thought Tale Hour with the Hendersons. This week, I am completing my 2nd week of going back to school. I have finally been able to take steps to achieve the education I need to do what I really believed I am called to do. But as you might imagine, being out of the academic realm for nearly 25 years is not like hopping back on a bike. It's more like thinking that just because you can ride a bike, you might be able to ride a unicycle. But with a full head of confident steam within me, I set out on my path. And true to my intention, I was rolling along quite well, until... 

I took an exam when I was fatigued.

It was after a long day of work, but it was the last thing I needed to complete, and I am kind of neurotic about getting projects done. So I decided to steam roll through the third portion of the exam. I had scored perfectly on the first two, so why not? I hit the submit button and damn.. 60%. 

I was flabbergasted. Then pissed. Then depressed. Then I began to question why the hell I thought I could do this in the first place? And why the hell did I need to take an Environmental Science class that claimed to be relevant to my understanding of people's psychological issues? 

Then, I calmed down and found my joyous perspective...

I took a walk and thought about this failure, minor as it was, and what I might learn from it. I had this thought: 

"Failure is a lesson learned. Success is a lesson applied."

Below are five elements of failure that I believe we can turn into lessons applied. Check it out:

1. You come to terms with what you can control and what you cannot.

In short, you get to have a first-class, one-on-one encounter with your ego. Because it is your ego, not your real self, that demands to control every single outcome of every single plan and effort you make. Jung said that the ego is made of our own beliefs and ideas about ourselves, whether true or false. That’s why the ego’s very existence depends upon keeping these beliefs intact; it cannot allow them to come crumbling down.

For example, you might think of yourself as the best at your job; so when you end up fretting for days over a mistake you might have made at work, this is your ego trying to control something that is out of its power.

In my recent exams’ case, I too could have barricaded myself behind my belief that I normally perform well at academics, and allowed my ego to keep nagging me about my not being perfect, but this time I chose perspective, not ego.

Preparing for a job interview or exam? You can minimize your potential errors by studying thoroughly and keeping yourself in good shape, both physically and mentally. 

This is what lies within your control: 

your own choices and attitude.

Beyond that, there’s only the realm of unforeseen, uncontrollable external variables. Things may not turn out as you hoped they would, and there’s nothing you can do to guarantee they do. You can save yourself a lot of heartache by acting but lowering your expectations.

By being aware of what lies within your power and what does not and accepting that certain things are out of your control, you also end the self-pitying, self-victimizing cycles. You stop blaming others, the Universe, external variables, and yourself. Which brings us to my next point.

2. You boost your self-knowledge.

Take a relationship gone wrong, for example. Mourning a bit is, of course, part of the equation, but after a while, you’ll find it far more rewarding to focus on what you learned about yourself, thanks to this experience.

What are your real needs, your true nature even? What can you stand and what can you not? Once you get clear on the lesson, you’ll be able to make wiser decisions going forward. The greater the impact of a failure, the greater the opportunity to learn about yourself. By that, I mean taking responsibility for any choices that contributed to your failure and identifying why you might get so worked up each time things don’t go according to your plans. Is it low self-esteem? That fragile ego again? If yes, then give it a gentle goodbye pat on the back and reclaim your true self.

3. You have an opportunity to practice living in the moment.

When you fail at something, you’re reminded that there are no guarantees in the future and that all that really matters is what you choose to do in the present. In this way, failure reinforces the importance of being completely present in whatever you’re experiencing here and now.

Being present isn’t just about appreciating what is; it also enables us to accept better what will be. When we make the conscious choice to take life moment by moment, we become more grounded, and that helps us better adapt when things don’t go according to plan.

4. Failure reminds you to focus on the journey.

I might be sacrificing countless hours studying the Environment and other subjects entirely outside my area of expertise, in pursuit of a career goal,  but this arduous procedure has left me with valuable and detailed knowledge on subject matters I would have otherwise never acquired. My newly obtained knowledge on Ecology even helped me with enjoying my morning walks with Eddy a little more.

On these difficult journeys, we will meet many co-travelers who share the same goal and the same struggles. Many may become some of your best friends. Do you really regret meeting all the people you met, learning the things you learned, and growing through your journey, even though it might not get you where you want? Nothing is a waste of time and energy if you gain through the experience.



5. You open yourself up to something even better down the road.

Some years ago, I had the unfortunate experience of growing close to someone suffering from covert narcissistic personality disorder. Before then, I had never taken the time to learn about this condition. After I’d been gaslighted by this person’s inconsistent behavior for a final genuinely painful event again, I faced the truth about them. The thing is, until that moment of revelation, I’d been beating myself over why I couldn’t make this relationship work and had considered the whole thing my responsibility and my failure. After that, I realized how letting go of this “failure” had protected me from getting deeper involved in something that wasn’t healthy for me, and how it opened me up to a better relationship in the future.
From this experience, I learned that we shouldn’t spend so much time getting depressed in front of a closed door that we miss the window that has opened for us a few blocks down the road.

Remember the days you longed for the life you are living today?

Too many times we spend nights crying over unfulfilled dreams, only to recognize later that, if they had been granted to you when you wanted them, you wouldn’t have set out on the incredible journeys you ended up taking because those dreams didn’t come true. Never forget this: Failure can sometimes be protecting us from what we should not be doing. Look back. I bet you see it.

So tonight, if you’re going through the aftermath of one more “failure” right now, know that incredible journeys are ahead for you. That's not just Pollyanna wisdom. A joyous perspective just means you look at the evidence and adjust your view. The old adage “everything happens for a reason” is correct and old for a reason. Learn from it. I decided that the appropriate cocktail for tonight's Thought Tale would be a Rusty Nail. They are good things to avoid, but everyone steps on them. Isn't that why we get Tetanus Shots because we've learned what we can control in failing to watch for them. Cheers, Friends.

Rusty Nail Cocktail***
(serves 2, or 1 enormous drink)
3 oz Scotch whiskey
1 oz Drambuie® Scotch whiskey
2 twist lemon peel

Pour the Scotch and Drambuie into an old-fashioned glass almost filled with ice cubes. Stir well. Garnish with the lemon twist.

**Always drink responsibly. Never drive after drinking alcohol.