A Joyous Perspective on Putting the Past Behind You: For Reals.

It's another Friday, and time for the Friday Night Thought Tale Hour with the Hendersons. During the past week, I had the occasion to be reminded of a rather difficult aspect of who I am as a person. It involves some of my most personal relationships of a family nature. While working through some issues with another co-survivor of family drama, the subject came up that it had been noted and recalled by a broken soul that I had a lot to be sorry for in my life. Hearing this, I actually chuckled, and our conversation went forward. Later, as I sorted out the discussion to consider how I should or should not be involved, I realized how differently this statement had impacted me this time. I really didn't feel much of anything but pity for the person who had said it to my family member. It was at that moment I thought:

When looking back doesn't interest you anymore, you're doing something right...

You see friends, I spent a very long time and a lot of money dealing with some of the more ugly parts of my past. Many days I would believe I had finally found a way to find resolution and release, and then, I'd get pulled back in. Either by guilt, real and self-imposed, or shame, genuine and self-imposed. I felt wrong about so much of my past, especially all the parts that I had been responsible for. It didn't matter to me that perhaps the dynamics of how I was raised

and by whom contributed a great deal to my actions. I've never been built to blame. I just would find myself feeling tied and chained to the sins of my youth (and not so youth). But somehow, through the love of my dearest friends and the Grace of a forgiving God, I began to see a way to accept my human frailty and let go of the ways guilt and shame had haunted me for so many years.

I began to build a new normal.

Maybe you are one of those fortunate souls who is not a member of a dysfunctional family. If so, thank God every day for this and be grateful. But many of us understand dysfunction, and the undefinable ways it affects the people who walk amongst us. My earliest memories are of feeling abandonment, although I'm quite certain my parents would have no idea of this, even if they would somehow accept it. When you grow up feeling that way, you silently search for ways to feel the opposite of this: acceptance. Your logical mind tells you that you are an independent rebel, but in reality, you are a needy follower. Neediness makes us do things we would never consider in our moral compass. It's the actual definition of insanity really, doing crazy stuff over and over, expecting a different result...

Then you get past it through hard work and healing. Unfortunately, your dysfunctional crew may not...

My co-surviving family member and I were musing the other day about how we were seen by the others as being 'strong, ' and so we didn't need anyone. And it's true, in our healing we stand up more solid, and confidently. We start saying 'no thank you' to requests to be pulled back into the drama. It's interesting, as there is so much competition in dysfunctional families for attention, that when you pull away, some will actually be grateful. Now they can have the full 'care' from those they see as family.

I say 'care,' not 'love' because most dysfunctional family roots don't grow in the fertile ground of real love. They can't give it because they don't understand it. And I know this because I had to learn how to love. I really didn't know how.

Having to learn, and coming from brokenness has actually made me better...

I listened today to an amazing man named Mike Veny (more info here). If you regularly read my blog, you know I don't believe in coincidence. This subject was on my mind, and I had written tonight's post. As I sat there listening to this man say how mental illness had made him better, tears were streaming down my face. Damn, he was right. I'm a better person today for all the mistakes, intentional and accidental, that have been made before me. It's really awesome to have a Grammy or Aunty who can teach you

how to make delicious food. But if you have to learn from the roots up, you can become an even greater cook than any Grammy or Aunty. Because you want it even more, and you will do anything to have it. That's the story with having to learn how to really love.

If the past makes you quake, there's only one thing that can calm you... True love. (I stole that from John in the Bible)

So tonight, Chris and I have chosen to drink a beverage from our local brewery called "Imperator Supreme." Supreme Commander. Yeah, that's you. Even if you came from the absolute worst years behind you, it's ultimately up to you kid. If you absolutely desire it, allow the process to enable you to come to a place where the pain of the past just doesn't seem worth your energy of consideration. Cheers, Friends.