A Joyous Perspective on Being Afraid: Coloring outside the lines of fear.

It's Friday, and time for another Friday Night Though Tale Hour with the Hendersons. This week, I encountered more than one conversation around a subject that all humans face nearly every day: Being afraid. It might be a minor little slip on your sidewalk or almost changing lanes at the wrong time, or something small that gives your stomach a little quake. Or it could be something more obvious, like hearing news that bears lots of uncertainty in its wake. No matter the level, being afraid will impact your movement, whether small or large, even stopping you altogether. Those are the times of being afraid you recognize and look in the face. Although you may not feel the greatest about them, at least you see them, and so they can be addressed. The kind of being afraid I want to talk about in this week's Thought Tale is the more subtle in nature. These times of being afraid are not likely dealt with and more likely avoided. 

And the craziest part is, you probably don't even know you're doing it.

You just simply change your course, or make an excuse, or just ignore how you feel altogether. These behaviors regarding something we are afraid of become such a part of us that we might go years without recognizing how they are impacting our lives.  You see, they grew out of something that is a heaviness within us. It's hard enough to carry that thing that changed us so dramatically without having to deal with an encounter that will press us even further. So we shove it down, and just unconsciously choose not to face anything that makes us have that shake in our stomach.

I get it. I come across this very often.

As many of you know, I lost my oldest son 9 years ago when he was just 27. In the prime of his life, stopped short. While carrying the grief of his loss has gotten better, and I even feel victorious over the sting of death in many ways, I still encounter times when I chose to avoid certain situations that might remind me that he's not here. These are things most of you

would not even think twice about, like going to a wedding of one of his friends or looking at their children's baby pictures. Watching his Army buddies get promotions and experience the fullness of a career - each of these things puts me in a place where I have to acknowledge Seth can't do any of these things. Maybe for you, it's a relationship that ended painfully, or a career loss, or a major mistake that you just can't get past. Something in life that just didn't go to plan. You find yourself avoiding or skipping passed anything that might cause you to face these things.

But here's the rub: You are letting your fear set your limits.

We miss out on experiences and growth beyond what we could ever know. Sure, it's safe and sound within that little nest we've made where we believe we are healing. And it is true that you need to give yourself some time to feel strong enough to crawl forward. But keeping within safety for too long will only serve to make you weaker eventually. Just like your physical muscles, your mental, emotional and spiritual muscles need to be exercised and tested. It might take incredible strength of will to go into that situation you dread or to start again after stopping so many times - and I can't promise it will get easier. In fact, it might not, but guess what? Unless you live on an island alone, you're also impacting a lot of other people around you. People you dearly love.

When you live within your lines of fear, you're not the only loser.

When we keep ourselves in a little comfort zone, we have to close off people around us in many ways. We just don't go to that event, or show up to that reunion, or talk to those people anymore - whatever we need to do to avoid the fear of facing reality. However, those people see your avoidance or lack of participation as something to do with them. They wonder, "Did I do something wrong, or am I not important enough?" and usually not even confront us with these questions. But you know they have them. You just justify it and believe they will get over it. They might, but you haven't.

So maybe it is time to cross some lines?

The next time you consider not taking some action - whether it's attending to something or anything else, ask yourself why. Instead of settling on the belief that you just don't 'feel' like it, push yourself a little deeper this time. Are you just avoiding facing something you're afraid of or uncomfortable about? Are you remembering the last attempt that left you lying flat on the ground? You might still decide to avoid, but give yourself the gift of being honest about why.

Do what scares you until it doesn't.

So tonight, Chris and I will be drinking something I call, "Just a little scared." We will toast to having a healthy respect for fear, but not ever allow it to define our lives. Here's to stretching ourselves a little more each moment, and trusting in our ability to find our limits. Cheers, friends!

Joy's Just a Little Scared Cocktail***

1/2 pint hard cider

1 dash blackcurrant cordial

1 shot Jack Daniel's Tennessee whiskey

Your favorite Lager

Fill a pint glass half way with cider, add a dash of blackcurrant cordial, top it up with lager, drink it down a bit (or pour it off) and add a shot of Jack Daniels.

***Always drink responsibly