A Joyous Perspective on Relationship Management: They might have to change to survive.

It's Friday, and time for another Friday Night Thought Tale Hour with the Hendersons. Have you ever felt disappointed about a relationship when it didn’t exactly pan out like a fairy tale? I sure have, and this week I talked to a few others who were wrestling with the same issue. It can be especially hard to face a problem with a relationship that you just expect to always be good because it has been for a long time. There are relationships that we can just walk away from when they become demanding or demoralizing. However, there are those that we simply can't live without, and when they become disrupted, we might feel like we are out of balance and a little lost. 

We seem to see them like a Wildflower in a field.

Ever blooming by itself. No hard work whatsoever. But the “flower” also has a tremendous thirst for nourishment and requires time and dedication to ensure it grows and blossoms. And nothing in nature blooms all year around. The fact often escapes us that as people face their own walks in life, they change their opinions and perspective - even on how they see us. Real life is not a romantic movie. The story may not include the credits to roll up the much anticipated “Happy Ending” sign.

Real relationships have nothing in common with a fairy tale.

If we want to sustain those important relationships, we need to let go of that silly, romantic movie-like metaphor. When we let go of what a relationship should be like, we can start enjoying relationships as they evolve by looking beyond the flaws and releasing false expectations. But first, we might have to make some changes in our perspective about the relationship. And we might have to let them change if we want them to survive. Below are four pointers to consider if you are facing some stress in relationship management. Warning, they all require you to make some changes first.

1. Find wholeness instead of expecting someone else to complete you.

Give yourself and the person in the relationship the greatest gift by becoming whole so that you won’t look for a relationship to complete you. Or even worse, lose yourself and dissolve into

another person entirely. We not only do this with a romantic relationship but with family connections, like our children. It can be challenging to break free from the notion that to be whole you need to find your other half in someone 'who completes you' - another romantic movie notion. No matter what, you should be able to find comfort in your own company. Kids grow up, people get busy, and they need their own space. Consider that you might be putting too much pressure on the relationship because of your reliance upon it.

2. Focus on yourself instead of trying to change someone else.

When we face a conflict in a significant relationship, we find ourselves defending our point by trying to change the other person's belief.  Doing this, in the long run, is fruitless. You don't have to give up your stand, but you can modify your reaction and instead be an example of what’s possible. Allow the positive outputs of what you believe demonstrate why you feel so strongly about that issue. When you work so hard on trying to change someone, they become angry and resentful. They feel disrespected and manipulated. You know this because you feel exactly that way when they do it to you. Give them space and put your energies toward you.

3. Let go of conditions and expectations.

No one likes to admit it, but we often put expectations on how we want to be loved by someone else. It can be very subtle, but very strong in the effects on our relationship.
When we expect people to give us love in a precise way we yearn for it, we put our contentment in someone else’s hands. We suffocate our relationships with impossibly high standards.
If you’re not happy with something, share your feelings, but consider that love and relationship won’t always look exactly as you expected it would. Letting go of big expectations gives our relationships room to breathe and allows us to appreciate everything that’s going right instead of focusing on what we think is wrong.

4. Listen to understand. (Most important point!)

Arguments are awful, aren’t they? They leave us with that bitter aftertaste. Arguments can make us think less of ourselves, and also the relationship. Arguments are usually all about getting the point out there, not about understanding. That's why they leave us feeling hurt and confused.

Some of our most meaningful relationships will involve conflict from time to time. Especially if one of you goes through a dramatic change and it is not understood. Challenge yourself to learn how to state your point patiently and listen to what the other person has to say without interrupting them. Construct the bridge of understanding through the chasm of the argument. 

We all want to be heard and understood. The biggest problem with communication occurs when we don’t listen to understand; we listen to reply or to fight back.
I still struggle with the whole “not acting upon emotion” thing; however, I understand that emotions are temporary, but the situations created by them may resonate for much longer period of time. Be mindful of this.

“Love does not obey our expectations; it obeys our intentions.” ~Lloyd Strom

When we allow our relationships to be imperfect and accept that we all have imperfections too, tiny yet noticeable changes occur. We all deserve healthy relationships that are filled with love, respect, and warmth. But sometimes we have to remember that respect is better than attention and lasts much longer. These four intentions, when practiced, will help us to be respected by those we love the most in our lives. Even when the relationship has to change.

So tonight, Chris and I will toast to the many relationships we have in our lives. We are drinking something I call, "Friendly Fire" because after all, it's the injuries we endure from those we least expect it from that surprise us the most. Here's to not allowing the injuries to leave a scar, and to get back up stronger than ever, together. Cheers, Friends.

Joy's Friend Fire Cocktail**

2 oz of Tito's Vodka
1 oz of Peach Brandy
Peach soda
1 Pepper and a sprig of Basil

Over ice, pour the Tito's and the Brandy, then top off with soda. Cut the pepper and put it in the drink along with the basil. 

**Always drink responsibly.