A Joyous Perspective On Being Supportive: Without absorbing the issues.

It's Friday, and time for another Friday Night Thought Tale Hour with the Hendersons. One of my dear loved ones recently went through a very traumatic event in his life. He was involved in a horrible automobile accident that left him very shaken, albeit physically unblemished (gratefully). As I stood by and considered how to support him, it brought to my mind just how much I have learned over the years about offering support to another person. 


So tonight, I thought I would share a few thoughts and hopefully shine some light should you encounter something similar.

When our loved ones suffer, it’s hard not to get swept up in their pain. 

We want so desperately to fix them, to take away their hardship, and to see them flourish. As a control freak, I often find myself going into “fixer mode,” regardless of the severity of the issue. When my husband, for instance, is struggling with work stress, which only makes me more anxious when nothing I suggest works, and him more frustrated when I get so preoccupied with his issues.
Then, there’s a little voice inside that tells me to stop. To listen. To be there for my guy without trying to change anything. 

When my son went through this accident recently, I put this life

lesson to work. Rather than run to the rescue, I chose to witness his pain and be next to him while he experienced it. It’s not my job to fix his problems. It’s my job to be there for him with love as he figures out how to handle his own suffering or confusion. I am freed from feeling the responsibility of taking on his pain. After all, the last thing he needs is to feel as though he is causing me pain.

It's not easy - but support is not supposed to be easy.

As I wrote earlier this week, support is often painful. However, it doesn't mean the pain of empathetically absorbing all their problems. Here are a few points to keep in mind:

Realize that being supportive doesn’t mean fixing their problems.

I often think back to when my mental health was at its worst. I dealt with deep grieving, and I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been for my family to see me suffering so greatly. But what I am most grateful for during that time is that my loved ones never tried to fix me. They didn’t become obsessed with finding a solution, and they didn’t rush me to get better. All of that would have increased my anxiety tenfold. Instead, they quietly supported me. My loved ones always let me know that they were there for me if I needed them. Just knowing that I had someone to count on if things got hard was incredibly helpful.



1) Practice listening without the intent to respond with solutions. 





Allow them to find their own way.

This can be hard. It’s hard to let go of control so much that you allow other people to have their own journeys. If my family or close friends had stepped in during my rough patches with the stages of grieving, I wouldn’t have gone through the trenches of it myself. I wouldn’t have learned my own strength. I wouldn’t have been able to be transformed, body, mind, and soul, as I am now. I didn’t need someone to take away my pain; I needed someone to be there with love and patience as I experienced my own pain.

2) At the end of the day, it is their lesson to learn. And we have to practice letting go of the outcome.

Realize that you’re only responsible for yourself.

You can’t control other people. You can’t control who suffers and who doesn’t. And what a burden that would be if we felt we needed to safeguard everyone in our lives from pain. That’s too overwhelming, even for control freaks like me.

You are only responsible for yourself. So how can you take better care of yourself as you care for others? If there’s someone in your life who is going through a rough time, know your own limits. Giving to others when we are depleted ourselves doesn’t serve us, and it doesn’t serve them if they aren’t receiving your help out of love, but out of obligation or fear.



3) Find ways you can care for and respect yourself so that you can be available as a support in a way that feels appropriate and safe for you.

I can’t control their rainstorm, but I can grab an umbrella and walk with them in their rain.

It can be challenging to separate ourselves from others and to let go of needing to take away our loved ones’ pain. It’s something I still struggle with, but I’m learning every day that I am not responsible for anyone else. I can be there with love and kindness, but beyond that is out of my control.



So tonight, Chris and I will be sipping on a little fancy Grappa as we toast to healthy support systems. Here's to you finding balance and new energy as you respond to those who come into your path in need of more than a hug. Cheers, Friends.