A Joyous Perspective On Self-Confidence - And Liking Yourself Enough To Care.

It's Friday, and time for another Friday Night Thought Tale Hour with the Hendersons. As I work my way through to my Masters in Psych, I was tasked this week to study and learn about the concepts behind self-confidence, and how it impacts us in our lives. As one who has struggled with this throughout my life, the thoughts I examined spoke to me. I was genuinely happy to realize that I not only have grown in this area, but I also have been able to increase the amount of self-esteem I have for who I am becoming. So this week, I wanted to share some of these learned practices and ask you to....

Have a little confidence in you… 

There’s a big difference between self-confidence and self-esteem. To "esteem" something is to like it. You can have a sense of confidence in yourself without always loving yourself. However, if you are investing in your dislike or listening and observing the disdain of others toward you, your confidence will be slowly diminished. It appears the key is to have both and to find a balance in each. 

Psychologist Albert Bandura has defined self-efficacy as 'one's belief in one's ability to succeed in specific situations or accomplish a task.' One's sense of self-efficacy can play a significant role in how one approaches goals, responsibilities, and challenges. Building self-efficacy is a great way to develop confidence. So here are a few thoughts I have on how to do this for yourself, a little at a time, with balance and care.

Retain and reflect an emotional state of success.

Reflect on your past successes. They don't have to be related to what you're trying to achieve right now. They just have to be your successes. Reconnect with those feelings and emotions. They’ll set you up for success in your current endeavor.

When I face self-doubt as a writer, I quietly reflect on the feeling

of success, I experienced when one of my key people who is known to be a first-rate Editor told me I was becoming ‘quite a good writer.' I often go back to that conversation to reconnect with the feeling of success it evokes. Seeing this evidence of my abilities as a writer drives away the self-doubt every single time.

I know this appears to go against my assertion that how you feel about yourself is more important than how others think. But these folks are not just anyone. They are unique placeholders in the story of your life. Choose them wisely.

Use your past failures to vanquish self-doubt.

A significant amount of self-doubt arises from our past failures. Each time we fail at something, we develop self-limiting beliefs, which get embedded in our psyche and our thinking. Fortunately, we can use these past failures. They are like the trail of breadcrumbs in the story Hansel and Gretel, to lead us back to these self-limiting beliefs. Once they’re out in the open, we can then challenge them.

Stop for a minute and consider something you believe you are not good at. Now rather than move on, recall the first time you attempted that thing and it did not go well. Have you tried it again and again with the same result? More than likely, you now just give a half-hearted try, because you tell yourself, “I’m no good at ______.”

See the vicious cycle?

Here’s the thing: The past is not a predictor of your future performance if you make a conscious effort to improve. Examine your past failures and use them to challenge your self-limiting beliefs.
It’ll do wonders for your confidence!

Edit those sentences in your head.

Do you think in sentences? Most of us do. For instance, you're about to give a talk to a roomful of people. If you lacked confidence, the sentences in your head would sound something like this: “Ummm…. Hopefully, this talk will be okay. I think I’ll be fine. But what if I crash and burn? No, I'll be okay. Geez, I hope I'll be okay.”

Do you see the vacillation in that self-talk? One second you think you'll be okay and the next second you’re terrified that you’ll crash and burn.

Edit the sentences in your head. The phrases you want to hear in your head sound something like this: “This talk is going to go well. Sure, it won't be perfect. Nothing ever is. But I'm going to absolutely enjoy this, and I’ll successfully get my message across.” See the tone in those sentences? There's no vacillation. It's almost as if you made a decision to be successful. And that's reflected in your self-talk. This little conversation can go a long way in adding to your confidence.

Cultivate a favorable opinion of yourself and learn to value it over others'.

We all look to authority figures for approval during our developmental years. In fact, this feedback is essential for our social development. But as you grow older and gather life experiences, you must scale this back. Now, I’m not suggesting other people’s opinions don’t matter. As I mentioned earlier, the right support system in life is precious! But even the most mature of us bring with us certain opinions and prejudice. 

It’s one thing to learn from constructive criticism and use it to better yourself. But, to get overwhelmed by others' opinions of you? That's an unskillful approach. There is no expert on you. Instead, work on cultivating a positive opinion of yourself. Here’s a great way to start. Next time you feel undermined by someone’s opinion of you, make a conscious choice not to get overwhelmed. Take on what’s constructive and discard the rest. Bring your attention back to your own opinion of yourself. Understand that your opinion of yourself matters as much as anyone else’s because you know yourself better than anyone. There’s no reason to be overwhelmed by others' opinions of you.

You’ve got this.

It’s never easy to get started on a new path. But once you develop the habit of confidence, you’ll never look back. My favorite Yoga

Teacher likes to say that our confidence lives in our heart space. That’s why we lift up our hearts wide in Tadasana, the standing pose. I find this pose reminds me to not only keep my heart lifted, but also to like myself for the just doing this. When I look back over my life, and a lot of years I allowed my frightened little inner child to guide me, I am kind of sad. But it’s in those moments I have learned to embrace that inner child, acknowledge her fears, and then make a conscious choice not to get overwhelmed. Much like a mother reassures her child.

And I can honestly say I’ve never felt stronger.

So tonight, Chris and I will be drinking something I call, ‘Rise to the Top.' It is created to symbolize allowing yourself to float to the top, and not be held down by the weight of insecurities and false self-talk. Here’s to becoming more buoyant and peaceful as you grow through the rest of your days. Cheers, Friends!

Joy's Rise To The Top Cocktail***

1 shot Disarrono
1 1/2 shots of Vanilla Brandy
Warm Half and Half
Cinnamon to top

Mix Disarrono and Brandy, then top with warm milk. Sprinkle with Cinnamon. 

***Always drink responsibly.