A Joyous Perspective On Mothering Without Smothering: When it counts

It's Friday, and time for another Friday Night Thought Tale Hour with the Hendersons.  Spring has seemed to have finally found us, and I'll be able to start my garden this weekend, and this week has put me in a place where I need my dirt more than ever. Chris and I have a large family together, with married kids, they total 10. With this many people, there is always a chance that one of them will face a trial or hardship which will cause them pain. We often talk in the times when 'everyone is fine' how fortunate we are in those days. But over the past week, some of our dear ones encountered a deep hurt that will not quickly be diminished. And as I have had to watch them go through this situation, I realized what a careful dance it is to mother one of your own and still allows them to grow. Because when the harsh rays of life are searing someone, you love, 

You want to put your body between the cause and any effects.

Even if it means blocking anything useful from getting through, you are willing to take the risk. All you can see is the need to protect these loved ones. No matter the harm, you go into momma bear mode. We've all heard the term "Smother Mother." It's a mom who will literally stop the breath of her child if that's what is needed to quiet the noise of doom. It's the action taken of an emotional and reactionary mammal driven by pure instinct. It goes without saying that this is not healthy. You can know this intellectually but still, find yourself moving toward it emotionally

in times of turmoil. The older your children get, it seems the opportunity to go into smother mode does not lessen. In many ways, it becomes increased. But in all ways, it becomes more critical than ever that you step back and choose your actions carefully because...

Most humans grow best in direct light.

Good parenting, or even good friendship, means being a reflection of what is needed for life, not a blocker of those things. So here's a little list I gathered from my week that might be useful if you find yourself alongside a hurting soul who is a part of you.

1) You will become less of THE authority in their life, and that's okay.

An important life skill is to know your resources. No one can be all things to all people, and that's why we have experts in so many areas. Talk about resources that help you to your kids, and encourage them to find their own. You really don't know everything, do you?

2) Be a sounding board, but not a punching bag. 

When you're a source of comfort, you are sought out to listen to the thoughts that are running through another person's head. You probably do this when you are having a tough time. You need a sounding board. Sounding boards don't tell people things, they bounce their thoughts back to them. Be a reflective listener, not a reactive one. Don't throw your thoughts back at them. People

under pressure sometimes want an emotional exchange, but that's not always what they need.

3) Don't get in the way of their other significant relationships.

If your child now has a family or person of their own that they share life with, you should honor that at all times. You will want to think that you are what they need, but there's nothing like a trial to strengthen a relationship. Be supportive from the perimeter, not the center.

4) This is not about you, so don't make it about you.

You more than likely have been through a lot in your life, and whatever trial they are facing looks familiar. Resist the urge to tell your story. Listen for theirs. Share your sadnesses that they are going through this trial, but don't make it more significant than their own.

5) Point out that they are resilient and stronger than they know.

The best example that you can be is a strong and surviving one. When you say, "I know you can get through this" let it be with a

knowledge of "because I've watched you get through a lot." This is a statement that tells them you believe in their ability to outlast this trial and to grow even stronger because of it.

It's that step that tells them you are not there to smother, but instead just to be their mother.

And the kind of mother that you are, in your own individual way. This meme tells my story.

So tonight, Chris and I will be finding a peaceful break in a trying week as we toast to getting through it. I'm making a drink I call, "Next Chapter Please" because let's face it, life is full of challenges. And we will be ready for the next ones. Cheers, Friends. 

Joy's Next Chapter Please Cocktail***
2 oz fresh grapefruit juice
1 Tbsp fresh lime juice
2 tsp honey syrup
2 oz Grapefruit soda
2 oz tequila
ice as needed
grapefruit wedges for garnish
salt and sugar garnish

Moisten the rim of serving glass with a grapefruit wedge. Pour salt and sugar into small dish. Turn your glass upside down and twist glass around to salt the rim.

Fill serving glass with ice.

Pour in all ingredients and stir to combine.


Garnish with a grapefruit wedge.

***Always drink responsibly.