It's Friday, and time for another Friday Night Thought Tale Hour with the Hendersons. It's been a tough week, and I think one of the most contentious I've experienced in my 61 years of life. This post is for anyone who has ever disagreed with the people they love the most, to remind them that these disagreements do not have to lead to regret.
Indeed, they can lead to our most in-depth growth if we so choose.
But I’m getting ahead of myself…
Despite my best intentions, I don’t always have the most harmonious conversations. When it comes to my family, especially my offspring, my ego struggles with second-guessing their words, choices, and actions, and in turn, second-guessing my own.
And when it comes to my friends and acquaintances, I struggle because I don’t want to offend them into closing down our connection. These days, it’s as though we all have to avoid the pitfall of being categorized. Once you are in the opposite category, you are marked. So I spend a lot of time walking the plank with those I fear would be shocked to know my actual opinions.
The truth is, I am no more “right” than they are; when it comes to making the best choice for oneself, I am a big believer in turning inward in one’s quest for answers. Yet, I can still get triggered when we don’t see eye to eye, and that’s how I knew this was an area where I had an opportunity to grow. And boy, oh boy, has not the past year given me plenty of opportunities to grow...
So I asked my higher power, which for me is Jesus, who I call Lord:
How can I balance lovingly hearing my family and friends out without necessarily agreeing with their message’s content?
And how can I bring loving awareness to the conversation, accepting with my heart while releasing the need to comprehend it in my head fully? Below are five conclusions and actions to support that is not easy but worth the growth outcome if we can work through them.
1. Forgive first.
Start with yourself first, as holding onto guilt rarely serves us in life but can certainly keep us stuck. Even if the conflict began with your words or actions, you are still worthy of forgiveness. This forgiveness might come easier when you remember your humanity. Remember, our egos were built to judge, so when they get out of hand, it’s merely a matter of recognizing what’s happened and reigning them back in.
The next step is to forgive the person you conflict with, whether it’s your family, a close friend, or your significant other. Of course, this might prove to be more complicated if the other person was especially critical, unloving, and unkind. Still, we can recognize that forgiveness does not mean agreement and that the simple act of forgiving gives us freedom from the bondage of resentment.
So, in essence, it’s a self-preserving act to forgive, as it tunes us back into our own experience and taps us back into our power to choose, despite the situation.
2. Look for the love.
There is always love, but there are times when it’s easier to see than others. Sometimes to find it, you have to peel off the layers of fear first. While you might feel attacked, there is often real care behind your loved ones’ words. They don’t want to see you get caught up in something unhealthy or harmful. They want to keep you safe, sometimes from what they see as being an outside force.
By shining light on the intentions rather than the words, we can feel the connection without the need to judge whether you agree with the content or not. Perhaps in your conflict, the pain is so deep that you cannot see the love in the other person’s intentions.
In these cases, tap into the love within yourself instead. This action could be as simple as recognizing that the very reason the words hurt you so deeply is that there is a strong current of love flowing underneath it all, from you to them (regardless if they’re reciprocating it).
3. Open your mind.
Jesus speaks of this in Luke after the Sermon on the Mount as having an open attitude that eagerly seeks new ideas and perceives old ones with a fresh lens. “Can the blind lead the blind? Will they not both fall into a pit? The student is not above the teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like their teacher.” (Luke 6:39:40)
For me, this was a shift in mindset. I had to set an intention to receive the words and exchange of energy with a loving and open mind. And then, by staying present and checking in with myself, I could allow myself to get curious about what was being shared as if it were being shared for the first time. In doing so, I could truly learn something new, to see others as my potential teachers, releasing any ideas around whether it was “right” or “wrong.”
4. Embrace the contrasts in the world.
Once you take the time to listen with connection lovingly, it will be time to recognize whether or not you still disagree. If, after tuning to your intuition, you still feel rooted in your original choice, then you have yet another opportunity to choose your growth by recognizing their choice as the right choice. Their contrasting choice.
Abraham-Hicks, the originator of the Law of Attraction, speaks at great length around this idea of contrast and how contrast in this world gives our desires more energy. In other words, the more that we recognize what we don’t want, the better we can tune into what we do want. So with this in mind, it is now possible to accept the disagreements and embrace and give gratitude for them, as they stand to strengthen us in the direction of our strongest desires.
5. Release responsibility for the growth of others.
This tip might be the most difficult to follow because we simply want peace amongst ourselves and those we love. Remember this quote:
“We find comfort among those who agree with us—growth among those who don’t.”
~Frank A. Clark
Because as many of us have experienced, especially lately, this peace cannot always be achieved, despite committing to all of the above.
Sometimes we find ourselves in situations and relationships where the other person is addicted to the drama of it all; it is in those situations that we need to tune in even more closely to our own experience, rather than the drama of our shared experience. Sometimes, it’s better to walk away and leave the person to work out their issues.
In these moments, the greatest act of love can come from owning our own peace, empowering the other person to seek their own growth, and remembering that the only peace and growth that we are truly responsible for resides in our own hearts—and ours alone. All we are responsible for is sharing in love.
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