A Joyous Perspective on Parenting: It's the best kept secret...

 

These 3 beauties are a few of the humans I enjoy being called "Grammy" by. 

A little while back, I was asked by one of my many younger human family members what my thoughts were on asking children for their opinions on family decisions. We had a lovely conversation, and I was also able to discuss their feelings about decisions that I had made with and without their input. However, what I heard in their response and reasoning around why they asked for advice could be summed up in one commonly overlooked secret to good parenting:

Like all human beings, children crave respect and validation.

Yes, precisely in the same way we adults respond to favorable treatment and regard, so do our children. The standards for what works with kids and what works with grown-ups are the same. It is the same set of rules. So, for example, people of all ages like to be treated like intelligent, sentient beings instead of underlings.

Children sense it and respond when parents take them seriously and recognize them as real people with their tastes and likes. But, like all human beings, they like to know why they are doing things and show ample resistance to demands for unquestioning obedience.

Those of us who were commonly treated differently understand this well.

Perhaps your parents and other adults in your life behaved as though courtesy was only for the 'grown-ups.' Or, you carry a bit of that belief. But consider whether or not you would ever dream of controlling your friends or co-workers in the kind of high-handed way commonly used with children. You probably wouldn't threaten your friends to comply, or else, and you wouldn't ever announce that we are all leaving now without asking if everyone was ready. You'd never remind your friends repeatedly of what they had not done right, nor would you withhold your approval and care for them until they did what you wanted. 

You wouldn't do these things because you wouldn't have any friends left...

Even when it comes to treatment from those in authority over you, there is a preference for those who treat you with respect and consideration. Nobody likes to work for a harsh, sarcastic, angry boss who throws out orders, never explaining why. Bosses who act with respect for you obtain your respect more profoundly over time. You want to go the extra mile because they express appreciation, not expectation.

Good bosses and parents use the same approach with the same results: their employees and children want to be around them. It's hard to have real influence over others who keep their distance from you. When parents use blame, anger, and shame to communicate their requests, children stop listening and start trying to find a way to escape. You might recognize this from your childhood and have brought it forward. But there is always an opportunity to change course. 

Instead of throwing out commands and edicts, consider healthy collaboration. For many, this might sound scary. For example, you may have been taught that only strong and authoritative parents obtain respect and control. We are told this will be best for everyone in the long run. But what can be practical about making our children what to get away from us?

Children don't want to be free from us; they want security.

We fear that if we give too much consideration to our children, they will run wild. We need to remember that children, just like adults, like routine and rules - if the rules make sense and don't seem arbitrary. Children have human consciences, and after some face-saving protests, they are usually willing to accept the consequences when fairly administered. The feeling of being protected and guided by a wiser human in charge is a significant attachment need for safety and security. 

So don't forget this secret to good parenting: 

Children are real people on the inside, just like you and me. 

They gravitate toward those who believe the best in them, give them space to learn, and do not repeatedly remind them of their shortcomings and mistakes. 

People of all ages like to be asked, not told. 

They appreciate when their needs are taken into consideration. 

Whether it is with a child or an adult, happy living always comes down to how well we can get other people to cooperate with us.

And want to be around us.