A Joyous Perspective on Emotional Upset: When it's time to give it a R.E.S.T

 

In my psychotherapy practice, I must hear it at least once a day: I let my emotions get the best of me - again.

But it's not really such a surprise. We are all experts in fight or flight, and our brains are hair-triggered to set off these well-practiced reactions. When that jolt of fear or surge of anger hits us, it can be difficult to calm ourselves down, much less consider what is happening or how we must proceed. It can feel like a lifetime when it takes place and even end in a standoff of nothingness if we find ourselves fleeing or freezing. But according to the Neuroscientists, these gripping emotions actually run their course in a matter of seconds - 90 seconds to be exact. That's right. One minute and thirty seconds to hit our gut and leave our ears or mouth.

But that's not the way most of us experience anxiety or anger, is it?

You find yourself in offices like mine because, instead, the anxiety lasts all night, and anger seems to go on for days and then transform into a dark, depressed state. But if intense emotion can flood the body and be flushed out again in under two minutes, why do our emotional upsets seem to last so long and create such havoc? And, what coping skills can we attempt to develop that might ease the habit of making these episodes into short stories versus feature films?

Let's start with why we stay in anger and fear...

When you get hit with an emotional reaction, notice how you suddenly find more reasons to keep being angry, afraid, sad, or whatever. We keep looking for validation for our feelings, and we'll dig and dig to keep the fire building. By fixating on the distress, we can keep our painful feelings past their expiration date. This is how we maintain an angry mood and magnify our fears past all reason. These intense neurochemical activities inside our bodies tell us to take this very seriously. We get into a habit of not questioning whether our emotions are giving us the straight scoop on what is happening. All we know is that we are threatened and must do something to prevent being devastated or overwhelmed by whatever we perceive is happening. It's the very definition of a 'knee-jerk reaction.' We get hit, and we hit back.

We amplify our feelings by telling ourselves an upsetting story about our emotional reactions. As we tell the story to ourselves about why we feel the way we do, we become even more deeply involved in it, much like waiting for an engrossing movie. Now, our original emotion is supported by a cast of thousands. And this all happens in a matter of seconds. We are incredible beings, are we?

You may not have a choice about your initial feelings, but you can choose what you decide to do with them...

You can do all sorts of things to feel better, like examining the validity of your feelings, seeking advice or emotional support, considering solutions, or simply calming yourself down. But none of these happen in less than 90 seconds, so if you are not armed with some knowledge and tools, they will take root and take off. Fear or surprise can become a panic episode in 90 seconds. Anger can become rage in 90 seconds. Sadness can become a meltdown in 90 seconds. So what can you do? 

When you feel the upset taking place, and the stopwatch starts, it's time to remember to 

R.E.S.T...

No, keep reading, I haven't lost my mind. This acronym is a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy concept created to help people manage difficult emotional experiences and come out feeling in control on the other side. It begins with a pretty simple yet essential step, and that is to 

RELAX. Slow your roll, Freeze frame. Pause. Step away from the situation, if not literally, then figuratively in your mind. Don't do the impulsive thing. Remind yourself that you have the opportunity to do something different this time. Breathe, even count your breaths slowly. Once you feel somewhat calmer, you can go on to the next step, which is to

EVALUATE. Look around and determine what is actually happening. What are the facts? You don't have to know everything; you don't have to solve the problem; you just get a better sense of what is happening. Discern what other people are really doing. Notice how you feel, what is happening, and is anyone in danger? Once you have the facts and the unadulterated by heightened emotion truth, you can go to the next step and

SET AN INTENTION. When we've been threatened or confronted with an emotion, we want to do something, hence freeze, flight, or fight. But once you are calmer, you can choose an intention, which is a target, goal, or plan about what you will do. Ask yourself what your best hope would be to come out of this situation? It doesn't have to be the final solution, but hopefully, it will be something to help you cope and move forward in the situation. So that finally, you can

TAKE ACTION. Put your plan into gear. Stay present. This is a dangerous time when you might get all caught up in adrenaline and lose awareness. That could mean you leave injured in your path. The key is that you've now used this 90-second bombshell to open a pathway to something. It doesn't have to be the final something, but it is a move away from the crater.

The best shortcut to remaining calm is to try and let go of strong feelings about what just
happened...

There doesn't always have to be justice in the final solution. We can find a way to experience problems, deal with them, and go on if we decide not to fuel the thought that this should not have happened to you. 

If you practice R.E.S.T regularly, you'll start to feel stronger about yourself and your ability to face life's traumas. 

Even if you are an emotional soul, you can improve and shorten the time you stay in upheaval. 

Remember, you can decide if you want this unpleasant incident to be a short story or a feature film.