A Joyous Perspective on Learning: You live, you learn...

At tonight's Friday Night Thought Tale Hour with the Henderson's, we ending a week of taking a closer look at learning. I chose this subject because I've been drawn to figure out how to learn as much as you can at different points and pauses in life. And, more importantly, how does it manifest itself in your life. One fantastic realization I have come to is that there truly are no limitations on when and how we can choose to learn. Age and station certainly do not hinder us any longer. And for me, a significant matter is how we can find ways to learn even in the most austere of times in our lives. Not just in the looking back and sorting it out, but even right smack in the middle of it. And I've got some great evidence, thanks to the encouragement of my dear husband some eight years ago. 

In the midst of a terrible crisis, he told me: "Write about it..."

8 years ago, I lost my oldest son. A parent's unspoken biggest fear became a reality for me. In the dark void of grief, I experienced both physical pain and mental agony. I lay awake sleepless in the wee hours of April 15th. After Chris' suggestion, I pulled out my laptop and started to write. The first line was simply, 'My son is dead.' I wrote for two solid hours until the sun came up that day. 

You would think it would be rambling and emotional, but reading it today, I can see that I was trying to learn something. I was grasping at figuring something out.

And over the next several weeks and months, I learned.

I learned that the most complicated parts of life were not as important as I once thought. I wrote about how my former sister in law had brought me some flowers to plant. We worked together outdoors for several hours, not speaking, just planting. She too had lost a child. She had learned that the most simple tasks were what would sustain a person in such a time. I wrote how I had discovered subtle moments of joy that day in my garden. 

I wrote about reaching out and letting others take care of me.

I have always been a strong and independent person. I had never had to ask for help or understanding. But now, I felt a helplessness and resistance. I wrote about reaching out to another mother who had been through a similar loss. We went to lunch, and I felt as though a weight had been lifted. That single act taught me the art of giving in without giving up. Sharing our experiences helped me to experience a different part of learning.

Lessons need to be experienced before learning happens. 

I had written about how I felt marooned in a well of grief, I felt alone in a world surrounded by people, a place where I was unable to articulate the wound that clutched at my soul. I felt guilty for being alive when he was gone, for waking each day. I had never felt such a heartache, but in that place, I was learning so much about myself. I was seeing that I didn't have just to act like "Joy" because it was my name. I could actually find a new kind of 'joy' in this darkness.

Though learning through loss is difficult, it remains powerful.

Over the past 8 years of writing and blogging through my loss, I have grown in innumerable ways. And while I will awaken tomorrow morning with the first thought of how my son would have been 35 years old, I will also celebrate the birthday he shared with his twin sister. I have learned to balance, and to be accepting of the times when I wobble. As I read over my journal from that night nearly 8 years ago, and through my blogs since, I was able to find a few points that have kept me from becoming enveloped in the murkiness of grief. 
You might not be grieving the loss of a person. Perhaps your loss is a dream or a relationship or you are recovering from an illness. No matter what the loss, you can find joy. 
While there is much I can share about what I've learned in this and at other turning points in life, I have picked out a few I think most helpful.

1. Write about your feelings.
When you make time to explore your feelings in writing, it’s easier to process them. You will also find encouragement in how far you have come.

2. Make acceptance your goal.
You may not feel you can accept what happened right now, but keep it as a goal in your mind and you will slowly move toward acceptance and inner peace.

3. Find your ‘flow’ activity.
Fully immerse yourself in an activity or task that makes you feel whole - where you just 'flow' easily. It might be sewing, painting or gardening, but find it. Appreciate the beauty of the ordinary, because you

already know that nothing lasts forever.


4. Keep your balance and take care of yourself.
Balancing your assorted needs can have an enormous impact on your life. Balance isn’t always easy, so don’t stress about it. Just keep trying. Lay around, but also find time to exert yourself.

5. Give yourself permission not to be okay.
Don’t be hard on yourself for feeling down. I now know that I don’t have to put on a mask, to pretend and be strong. I just have to let myself experience my feelings and accept that I am not okay. I have to let myself cry. I know I will always climb up again after I am done. Don't be scared of not being okay.

6. Let other people be there for you.
Of all the things that have helped me, I am most thankful for people that have supported me with their presence (face-to-face, through e-mail, or on the phone). I am grateful for the ones that took me to dinner/coffee and let me talk about what I miss the most about my son. 
Or just gave me a hug.

7. Take one day at a time.
Don't get too far ahead of yourself. "Will it always be this hard? How can I do this for ___ more years?" The important thing is to do it for today. You can do it for today.

Tomorrow, I will choose to celebrate 

one of my life's greatest joys.

For tomorrow is the 35th anniversary of the day I became a mother. I could fill volumes with the lessons I've learned and the wisdom I've gleaned from being a Mom. It was one of the most important days of my life, and it changed me forever. Even knowing some of the heartaches it would bring, I would do it all again. Yes, even knowing one would only be with me for 27 years. What I learned, and continue to learn, is worth much more.

So tonight, we will toast to the benefits of learning in all the points of our lives. I found a drink called, "Thorny Rose." Because life is full of beauty, but sometimes you have to endure the pain to experience it. 

Cheers.

Joy's Thorny Rose Cocktail**

Ingredients:
1.5 oz of Hendrick’s gin 
.75 oz of Rose syrup 
.25 oz of Fresh lemon juice
.75 oz of Fresh grapefruit juice (ruby red preferably)
2 dashes of Peychauds bitters
1 Cardamom Pod
Crushed ice
Seltzer
Lemon and Cucumber slice

Lightly muddle 1 cardamom pod at the bottom of shaker (not too much muddling or it will overpower the drink) Add the rest of the ingredients. Add the ice. Shake hard. Strain over fresh ice to remove the cardamom pod. Add a splash of seltzer water. Garnish with a fresh lemon wedge and a cucumber.

**Always drink alcohol responsibly. Never drive after consuming alcohol.