A Joyous Perspective on Seeking: And Even For This - I am Grateful.

Seth's son, Niko at the cemetery on Seth's birthday last year.

This week at the Friday Night Thought Tale Hour with the Henderson's, I am completing a week-long look at the subject of gratitude. My reasons for taking a deep dive into this emotion are somewhat calculated. As many of you know, April is a month of a personal challenge for myself and my family. On the 14th, we will meet the eighth anniversary of the death of my oldest son, Seth. And just five days before that, we will celebrate and

Such a happy little guy.

observe his birthday. While both dates are surrounded by several other birthdays, including his twin sister, it's difficult not to recognize the proverbial 'elephant in the room'. As I saw it approaching again, knowing it was impossible to ignore, I decided to take an approach of consideration for the ways we have been changed because of the events of this month. Beyond the loss of an integral member of the family, which is, of course, the most dramatic difference.

The beginning of his love for Tigger

And the more I sought insights, 

the more I noted how 

grateful I was.

Yes, that's right - grateful. It surprised me too at first. How could I possibly find the emotional response of gratitude in considering all of the events that have occurred post-April 14, 2008? But there it was, over and over as I thought through the last eight years. I realized that some of the most significant parts of who I am today would not be here without that bleak mile marker in my past.

He could wear a tux.

We all have them don't we? The moments that will always make us gulp and flinch.

My gratitude discovery began with the people who have joined my journey who came out of that event. I met some incredible individuals who are now so dear to me. Would I have come across them without the death of my son? I guess possibly, but would I have been as open in heart and soul as I was because of my loss? I can't speak for his brothers and sisters, but I also can see who they allowed people into their lives that may not ever have been there without the tragedy of losing their brother.

Never afraid of any beast.

Because that's what grief does to you; It tears a hole in your soul.

It's a hole that can be indeed be filled up in many different ways. But as I was seeking the ways this event had changed me, I was even grateful for the more negative ways I attempted to occupy the void. I could see that with each one, I learned life-changing lessons about myself and others. Situations I would have once accepted and only lived with would now not be sustained. I wanted more than just a momentary

Loved, loved, loved his cousins.

placebo. I required a way to live stronger, compensating for a hole that would always be with me.

Each of us has that choice to remain in the pain or spring forth - not allowing it to keep us hostage.

And my moment of springing started with gratitude.

Proud Mom he made me.

Gratitude for the time I had with my boy, even in it's shortened state. Through the tears, the anger, and the exhaustion, I could smile for his life. No matter where you are right now as you are thinking about your own event that impacted your life forever, you can begin to find something new by seeking gratitude. Gratitude is the parent of all the best emotions. It will lead you to feel courageous about

Many times....

facing your worst moments without fear. It will remind you that have hope that you are still able to be useful to the world and that you are needed. 

Always the clown.

It doesn't mean you are happy that it happened. It just means you are grateful to be getting through it.

So tonight, as I continue to seek and get through this 4th month of the year, I am grateful for the ability to express myself through this venue. I am grateful to the many people who I may never meet who share with

Senior Prom, 2000

me how simple thoughts I put out there for all to see have brought a little more joy into their lives. And the truth is, I may never have begun this blog or writing had I not gone through that terrible day in April 2008. 

So what do you drink for such a thing?

I had to search really to find just the right beverage for tonight's toast. And then it hit me. My son raved about German Beer during his time there. He felt so fortunate to have that experience. Yes, he was grateful. So join me in lifting a stein to gratitude. Even for this. CHEERS, FRIENDS.