On this Friday before the last week of 2016, I decided to share about that age old event that comes once a year: Making Resolutions. Although you may resist the urge to do anything formally, I doubt many of us don't have some change or correction we want to start at the beginning of each new year. There's a certain age that you get to in life when you find yourself saying, "How many times have I resolved to this, and yet here I am doing it again?" I was right there a few years back, and I completely recall the feelings that surround that thought. But as I sit here today, writing this post about resolutions, I realize I am among the small percentage of people who met my resolve. I made a decision, set up a plan, and did it. The whole year, with no breaks.
Ok, for those of you sighing "well goodie for you...", please keep reading...
Because guess what? I'm going to be 57-years-old in a week or so. And I have been trying to come out on top of a resolution for most of my life... Yes, most of it, including childhood. Just when I thought I had it figured out and was on the other side, I've been knocked down way more than I can count. But as this quote says,
“It’s not whether you get knocked down, it’s whether you get up.” ~Vince Lombardi
Are you feeling knocked down? Or maybe you've gotten up, but you are not at all confident about your footing? Perhaps like me, you are happy, so why do you need to make any changes? Yes, I was happy enough, but one day I had to face that I wasn't comfortable in my skin. Maybe one of these is you:
- You look in the mirror, and you are unhappy with what you see.
- You look around you and you are displeased with where you are.
- You find out something you were counting on is not going to happen.
- You lose.
- You find yourself stuck, and it feels like it's only getting worse.
I realized that I was the only one who could change how I reacted to this situation and moved forward.
I finally understood that only I could get over these recurring patterns of behavior and move forward in life. Only I knew what 'comfortable' would be for me. And the resolve was not only to change habits but make the decision never to go back. To finish it once and for all. To pull me together, in every sense of the phrase.
Over the past two years, as I explored these ideas I discovered three important steps that, when followed, can go a long way in getting you to reach a resolve. These are small shifts in mindset but with a powerful long-range scope for your success and happiness.
I call them my "JOY Steps" - because they are Just On You. You, and no one else.
1. Hold yourself accountable.
I used to be an expert at blame. I blamed other people (a lot), myself (mainly), and the world (usually). I could list the reasons and whys, but then I never really did anything about it.
It was a good day when I realized that I alone was the only person who could make my life better. Me. Only me.At that moment I became not just empowered but free.Until then I’d been making excuses for what had or hadn’t happened without taking responsibility.
I think we’re all in danger of this too. We find it easy to blame everything else for our problems without looking inward at what negative beliefs or habits are actually to blame. In fact, most of us create excuses out of nothing. As a species, we’re superb at it.
Imagine how different life would life be if you were always conscious of those times when you were making excuses. The relationship didn’t work out? It’s your responsibility. Not doing the job you want? Well, it’s your responsibility. Feeling unhealthy and tired? You guessed it; it’s your responsibility.
Don’t judge yourself, yet directly ask what you could have done to get different results. Hold yourself accountable and take action on what you’ve learned. Be merciful and gracious to you.
2. Move your focus.
I have also identified a nasty habit of focusing on the obstacles in every situation rather than the opportunities. We look behind at what had happened rather than looking in front at what could happen.
When I realized that, everything changed.
What we focus on is what we move toward. It becomes our reality. So when I was only focusing on feeling helpless and what I had or had not done, I was creating a life of victimization and unhappiness. By changing my focus, by looking forward again and focusing on the next step in life, I instantly saw hope bursting through the clouds.
For me, this was not about focusing on something and expecting to conjure it into existence magically but simply focusing on the right actions. By focusing on what I could do next, rather than my self-imposed limitations, I was able to align with the changes I needed to make and live.
When you’re feeling knocked down, ask yourself, what is my focus right now?
Am I focusing on something I want or something I don’t want? Do I see the opportunities or only the obstacles? What am I looking at?
I began by just stating every day that I would never be at this place again. My focus was on being done with this burden, forever.
3. Change how you speak to yourself.
And saying this to myself every day was how I got to the last thing I realized was that I had to change: How I talked to myself. When I stopped and listened to my inner voice, I realized that I was the one who had been preventing myself from achieving healing. Yes, I’d had a few knock backs, but I could choose how I was dealing with the situation, and currently I was choosing to rationalize and excuse my behavior. That had to stop.
And I was the only one who could stop it.
And I was the only one who could stop it.
We are a collection of the stories we
regularly tell ourselves.
I realized I’d been living under a story that I’d told myself for too long - that I was perfectly okay with my results. I had been self-sabotaging this whole time to protect myself, to keep myself safe and justified.
We all live under similar stories that we’ve told ourselves for too long. In fact, we’ve told these stories for so long that they are completely real to us. I’m not worthy. I can’t be happy. I will never be satisfied.
What’s worse, too, is that most of us do know deep down that these are limiting beliefs, yet we still have trouble overcoming these concrete barriers. These stories have become who we are, and our subconscious protects who it thinks we are with all its might, no matter how destructive the story. When we take responsibility for our lives, shift our focus, and change the way we talk to ourselves we take back control of our experiences. We stop being the victim because we are no longer being victimized by ourselves or anyone else.
I know that it’s still an ongoing process for me...
But I also now know that by using these three steps we can all deal with any situation we find ourselves in. That day I chose to take back control of my life and step into a more powerful, enjoyable role. Just...On....You... Me, Joy.
It might take a big personal issue like it did for me to prompt this change, but if you’re feeling knocked down right now, then it’s easier than you might think to get back up. Maybe you can’t control your emotions, but you can control where you place your focus, the language you use, and whether you choose to take responsibility for your happiness.
You are not faking it, but understanding what resources you already have and applying them in your life. It's then that it becomes apparent that you can make that resolution change real and lasting.
Change takes a second, getting to the point where you’re ready to change is what can take a little longer.
It did for me. I started thinking about my resolution for 2015 about six months before I began when it became apparent to me that something had to give. I was ready to pull myself together. So tonight, I made a cocktail I call, "Apparently", because apparently, it's working. Here's to your resolve for 2017 becoming a long-term reality that you can embrace, once and for all. Cheers, Friends, and we wish you the very merriest of Christmas this year!
Joy's Apparently Cocktail***
(serves two)
3 oz of Van Gogh Pear Flavored Vodka
3 oz of Effen Apple Vodka
2 oz of Pear soda
2 oz of Apple Soda
Ice
Apple Pears
Put both vodkas in a shaker with ice. Shake hard. Strain into chilled martini glasses. Garnish with an apple pear.
***Always drink responsibly. Never drive after consuming alcohol.
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