A Joyous Perspective on Happiness: Keeping it close no matter the circumstance.

It’s Friday, and time for another Friday Night Thought Tale Hour with the Hendersons. It’s the weekend before the day of the year that you either delight in or dread. Christmas, December 25th. As we’ve approached this day, I’ve been taking special note of my inner person and the attitudes of those around me. I’ve been seeking and finding the happiness quotient around me. I’ve been listening, asking and probably annoyed a few people in determining the level of happiness each person is living within. This was motivated by my own interest and sparked by my reading of a book called, “The Ten Worlds: The New Psychology of Happiness” by Dr. Alex Lickerman and Dr. Ash ELDifrawi (buy it here)It’s a great collection of stories and perspectives on how we travel through ten types of worlds at various times of our life. Basically, it’s not what happens to us that impacts our happiness…

Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.” ~Dalai Lama

My experiences these past few weeks has taught me this: One of the biggest challenges in life seems to be the attainment of happiness. Everyone wants to be happy (or so they say). But what does happiness genuinely mean, and how do we not only find it but embrace and maintain it?

Well, let’s look at what science has to say. Researchers have come to the conclusion that happiness has three separate elements. First, there’s the amount of happiness you are genetically predisposed to have, which accounts for about 50 percent. Studies were done on identical twins who were raised together and on some who were raised apart. The researchers discovered that their happiness levels were remarkably similar despite complete differences in rearing and environment. It’s our set point. It’s just how we are wired. 

The second element of happiness is life circumstance, which

makes up about 10 percent. These are the things that occur that you cannot control, including such characteristics as gender, age, where you grew up, ethnicity, relationship status, occupation, neighborhood, and health.
But with only 10 percent of our happiness being attributed to this, it means whether you are a garbage man or a millionaire developer, it won’t really impact your happiness level all that much. It is what it is...

The third element of happiness is what we do and how we think. This element accounts for 40 percent of our happiness and is really the only element we have control over. What this means is that our intentional activities and strategies we take to achieve our goals can seriously influence our happiness. This is what Lickerman and Eldrazi took a closer look at. And what they found is the biggest problem we face with intentional activity, and thought is a little thing called hedonic adaptation. Humans are fickle, and unfortunately, when wonderful, amazing things happen to us, the newness of it slowly wears off, and we become immune to whatever it was that brought us that new form of happiness.

For example, if you buy a new home with stunning views of the ocean, and every morning you wake up and sit on your patio having a cappuccino or watching the dolphins frolic in the water, slowly the scene won’t appear as beautiful. You will become accustomed to the sites and sounds, and sitting outside every morning won’t bring the same pleasure.

We can’t change our set point any more than we can change the color of our eyes or hair (notwithstanding contacts or hair dye!), and life circumstances will usually be dependent on our upbringing so it can take time to change them.

However, we can fight hedonic adaptation and increase our happiness levels by making proactive choices for joy every day.

If you don’t wake up and choose to remind yourself that you are lucky to have spectacular views, then the joy you get from that activity will fade. On the other hand, if you choose to wake up every day and think, “Wow, I’m lucky” it creates a positive reinforcement in your mind and will help increase or maintain your happiness levels. 

Your choice becomes your belief, and your belief fuels your perspective. And your perspective supports your happiness. 

Here are 4 ideas I want to share that I’ve formed during the past week. Let me know what you think:

1. Stop worrying; focus on the now.
Eckhart Tolle believes that one of the leading causes of unhappiness is the fact that we live in or obsess about the future or the past. He says:

“Worry pretends to be necessary but serves no useful purpose.”

How many days and weeks and hours have you spent ruminating about what could have been or what might be, all the things you need to do, or all the things you should have done? If you’re at all like me, I’m sure that answer is way too many. This is wasted time, wasted life, and wasted energy. The only moment that matters is right now.

2. Meditate/Pray
Meditation can help you stay in the present and calm your mind,

even if only for a few minutes a day. Meditation/Prayer is renowned for reducing stress, improving concentration, slowing aging, encouraging a healthy lifestyle, and increasing self-awareness. Meditation/Prayer is a very centering practice. It allows you to focus on the core of who you are and what you believe without all the conflicting, self-effacing thoughts that can run through the mind.

If you have problems with concentration, try just sighing and breathing. There is no right or wrong way to meditate/pray. And it is doing so much. Ever said, “All I can do is pray…”? Well, guess what, it is probably the best thing you can do for yourself and others.

3. Develop strategies for coping.
We live in a stressful time in so many ways: politically, economically, and emotionally. We are connected and disconnected at the same time. If you focus on all the bad that is going on, you certainly are going to be a bit stressed and depressed.

Start off by focusing on what you can control and let go of those things you can’t.

One of the ways I cope with stress is to write. Writing is a massive source of stress relief. I also like to garden. I enjoy morning walks with my dog or social activities like playing pool or even just taking a bath and relaxing in a hot tub.

Everyone is different. Think of something that will take you away from the stress and strains of your day and will help you cope. If you are unhappy with your job, it won’t do any good to keep complaining about it. What will help is creating an exit plan and starting to research and apply for new jobs, or maybe considering going back to school

Focus on those things you can change and what you can do to make your day, your life, and your existence less stressful. Remember:

The cost of not following your heart is spending the rest of your life wishing you had.

4. Invest in real-time connections.
As I mentioned earlier, some of the happiest places in the world are those that live and exist within a community. Each is a member of a whole, and they seek to help one another. I believe having connections with other human beings is one of the main reasons we exist, and a is a huge factor in the derivation of happiness.

Researcher Brené Brown says, “I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”

In order to be vulnerable, you have to connect, and I don’t mean pithy trading comments on Facebook; I mean genuinely connect. True connection means to understand, accept, and hear someone and to allow yourself to be recognized and heard and accepted.

How can you do this? Start with those who you already have a bond with. Even if you have to tell them, “Hey, I’m not really feeling up to being around people, but I know I need to be.” Your people will get you, and they probably have already been waiting for you to reach out.

These may sound like generic answers to a huge problem, and maybe they are, but they’re a good start.

Take out a pen and paper or start typing. Make a list of a few things you can do every day to apply this advice: What might help you stop worrying, when you can make time to meditate/pray,  which strategies help you cope with stress, and how you can invest in real-time connections. Then do what you’ve written.

Try these four things for thirty days and see if you feel any different. If you don’t, try another thirty days or move on to a new strategy. What matters isn’t whether you win or lose or succeed or fail but that you showed up every day and you did your best. 

Usually, the problem we face isn't that happiness isn't possible- it's that we're confused about how to attain it.

So tonight, Chris and I will be drinking my annual Christmas Cocktail. I don’t have a really killer philosophy behind it - it just makes me smile. So here’s to finding happiness in each of the ten worlds you find yourself within in the coming seasons of your life. Cheers Friends!

Joy's Christmas Happy Cocktail**

2 oz cherry vodka
1 oz of Midori
1 oz Goldschlager
Cherry for ganish

Pour all into a shaker filled with ice and shake hard. Place in a Champagne flute.

**Always drink responsibly.