A Joyous Perspective on Those Annoying People: It's really about me, myself and I.

It's Friday, and time for another Friday Night Thought Tale Hour with the Hendersons. It's been a challenging week for me, how about you? Sometimes we are faced with the actions of others that both confound and dismay us. We can sometimes have difficulty accepting our friends, family, and loved ones as they are when their habits, quirks, or behavior annoy us. Our natural tendency is to try to change what we don’t like about them, which often leads to resentment. Nonetheless, given their importance and presence in our lives, we are usually willing to make an effort to accept them as they are.

But what about people we dislike or people who cause us grief? 

For example, an overbearing boss, a scheming coworker, or an annoying relative. Should we also make an effort to accept them as they are? Before you decline to do so, consider that when we don’t accept such people as they are (and more about what that means shortly), the adverse consequences for ourselves can be even worse.

One problem is that we will be prone to engaging them in combative, retaliatory ways. I’ve had this happen in business and family relationships a few times. These are people we don’t choose, but we can find ourselves tied to, for financial and career reasons in business, and via a loved one when it’s a family tie. Perhaps you’ve been put in a challenging position by a supervisor or co-worker, or someone in your life. Maybe there have been complete fabrications that you have noted, and it has caused you to lose your basis of trust for them. Perhaps, like me, you found yourself reacting in defense of yourself and those who surround you that you care deeply for. Accepting this person for who they are and thinking about acting in my best interests under the circumstances was not even a consideration. Instead, we become consumed with unbridled anger and resentment, which might cause us to act foolishly and recklessly. The old saying “Loose lips sink ships” comes to mind. In an age when we can fire off our words electronically in seconds, this becomes even more dangerous.

We can become so consumed by the issue that it distracts us from personal needs and relationships. This person’s wrong actions infects our whole persona. 

In the meantime, the rest of our life does not go on hold.

What has happened to me recently is one of those ‘ah-ha’ moments of clarity. Wrapped up in an all-consuming thought process of just how I could help certain impacting people to act differently, I found myself asking me,  “Do you really think you are going to change this person? That’s just not going to happen.”

And it won’t. We have to accept that… Viktor Frankl wrote, “When we are no longer able to change a situation, just think of an incurable disease such as inoperable cancer, we are challenged to change ourselves.” We change our perspective on what needs to change. We accept that it’s our reaction that will need to change.

But acceptance isn't surrendering.

When you are in the midst of the challenge and pain, acceptance is equaled with surrender and excusing bad behavior, and the worst for me, being weak. I also have realized that I believed that I had the power to change people’s ingrained ways, which I now know is a complete delusion. 


True acceptance has nothing to do with surrender, backing down, condoning bad behavior, or allowing yourself to be hurt. Instead, true acceptance means accepting people and things as they are without judgment or harboring negative feelings such as fear, anger, resentment, and pain. (or at least minimally so). 

You can’t analytically do this. You have to do this problem solving by insight.

I have found my true acceptance comes from the detached practice of meditation or prayer. Just letting my mind wander without a set time limit. I call these ‘ah-ha’ moments. And guess what? I recently learned that this is actually a researched and support fact. It’s called, “Transient Hypofrontality.”  Basically, your brain can’t handle all the things it needs to do when you throw on something like trying to figure out why or how someone is the way they are. So, if you instead just take some time to create space for musing, you can actually come to a conclusion with more speed and more accuracy. You begin to experience acceptance and understanding. 

With that mindset, you are able to accept someone you dislike as they are, and still terminate the relationship if you determine it is in your best interest to do so. You can also change the dynamics of the relationship if cutting ties is not practical or realistic. You are maintaining your principles, but you are no longer a slave to the whims of those you dislike or disagree with.

And this ability can become a truly great gift.

When you are able to accept people you dislike (or anyone for that matter) as they are, you can then recognize the choices that will serve you best. There begins a critical shift in focus from what you are powerless to change or do to what you can do to better serve your needs. 

In short, accepting what is lets you discover what might be. Even more so when dealing with people you dislike or confuse you.

Practicing acceptance with people you struggle with is challenging. It is often a process that evolves over time and in which incremental steps are fruitful. There are some important points to remember:

Process your fears.  
Unprocessed fear prevents acceptance because it dominates our thoughts instead of allowing us to make the choices that serve us best. It helps considerably to examine the objective reality of the person or situation you are dealing with rather than be guided by negative speculations about what might happen and what could be. Face and lean into your fears. Their bark is much greater than their bite. When you so process your fears, their hold over you (and your thinking) will lessen considerably, and viable options and choices will be revealed to you.

Defuse your anger.
In much the same manner, our anger and resentment toward people we dislike blocks our acceptance. Moreover, anger can easily exacerbate situations in ways that are harmful to us, and make us act irrationally. As much as you don’t wish to put yourself in their shoes, it softens the edge of your resentment if you try to see things from the other person’s perspective. Most of the time, people’s behavior is based on their fears, anxieties, and self-interests and not on any intent to harm us. 

I know this is hard, so here are some examples: 
An overbearing and controlling boss, for example, is likely guided by fears and anxiety about his business rather than your job performance. A fierce competitor, whether in business or on the playing field or at school, is likely guided by her need to win rather than a desire to suppress you. And an unkind gossiper is likely governed by her low self-esteem and need to be liked rather than an intent to harm you. Get the picture?

Look for the good!  
Yes, I know I sound like Pollyanna, but consider how we are often so engulfed in the turmoil with those we dislike, that we can’t see the “positive” influences that they have on our lives. Perhaps they give you an opportunity you would not have had without them, or maybe they helped to guide someone into your life you would never have met. It could be as simple as how the challenge you face with them has caused you to dig deeper and become more honest and careful about what you can control. If you look, you can find something.

We can’t always control how much interaction we have with these people. Choose to set yourself up to be on higher ground.

So in conclusion, you might find it useful to fill your intentions with a daily resolve when it comes to this cast of characters before you. Here are a few ideas that have helped me recently:

I will: 

Process my fear and anger.

Not take what they do personally.

Recognize the fears and anxieties that drive them.            

Pause, reflect and think objectively.

Not assume an intent to harm me.

Set appropriate boundaries.

Trust that I will be able to take care of myself.

Be true to me.

In doing these things, you will feel less annoyed, more grounded, and more focused on taking care of your needs. There will be change, and it will be with me, myself and I.  And the gifts of acceptance will be yours. So tonight, Chris and I will be toasting to controlling what we can change with a cocktail called, “Just the Facts Man.” Stay true to you and leave the rest to the universe to solve. Cheers, Friends. 

Joy's Just the Facts Man Cocktail**

2 oz Bourbon
1/2 tbsp Vanilla syrup
Orange Flavored Water
1 inch Vanilla bean
Orange Peel

Fill a highball glass with ice, pour in Bourbon. Add syrup, then fill to the top with flavored water. Garnish with Vanilla Bean and Orange Peel. 

**Always drink responsibly.