It’s Friday, and time for another Friday Night Thought Tale Hour with the Hendersons. I have found myself more than a few times this week in the position of being on the receiving end of abusive or obtrusive behavior. These times left me feeling quite angry initially, also, to hurt or confused. It’s particularly easy to be angered when met with the actions of a person who has a false or real position of authority over you, and they appear to be gleefully handing out bad decisions.
Here’s one case in point that I encountered this week. While in the Post Office wrapping up a package with tape I brought from home, I overheard a fellow citizen asking the Postal Worker if they could borrow some tape for their box. In a very dismissive tone, the worker pointed to the display of tape on the counter, “You can purchase some…”, then went back to their busy work, eyes down the entire time. "You can borrow some of mine,” I said to the woman. “Why thank you!”, She said kindly. At that point, the worker lifted their eyes and saw that my tape stated ‘Priority Mail.’ “Are you mailing that Priority?”, they asked the woman. “No, actually not.”, she replied. “Well then, you can’t use that tape. They might charge you for Priority if you use it.”, The worker stated flatly. I found myself incensed, and I looked at them stating in a very straightforward manner, “But ‘THEY’ is ‘YOU,’ so can’t you make an exception?” No response… Clearly, the decision was made. The other citizen and I just looked at each other and chuckled.
The worker decided to adamantly defend themselves to me during my transaction with them. He was apparently angry and annoyed, which only made me more uncomfortable. I was finally able to pause and realize that there have been many times that I was the ‘they.’ I looked at the worker in the eye and said, “I didn’t mean to insult you. I’m certain you put up with quite a lot in your job. Please have a good rest of your day.” I went to my car and started thinking about a quote I’d read this week:
“When we get angry, we suffer. If you really understand that, you also will be able to understand that when the other person is angry, it means that she is suffering. When someone insults you or behaves violently towards you, you have to be intelligent enough to see that the person suffers from his own violence and anger. But we tend to forget … When we see that our suffering and anger are no different from their suffering and anger, we will behave more compassionately.”
~Thich Nhat Hanh
Perhaps you find yourself in a situation which is infuriating. There
is so much to be angry about every day because often, life is unfair, right? However, I have found it helps take me to an even more peaceful state to remind myself of the cycle of pain, as succinctly described by Thich Nhat Hanh above. People act out in negative ways (e.g., aggressive, uncaring, etc.) as a result of inner pain. We might view it as a power trip or angry retort, but even these two things are initiated by some kind of pain and they morph into something more pleasing to the container person.
Sometimes we can find out more, but not usually.
Though it may help to intellectually understand the specific causes and dynamics of the individual’s pain, in most cases that isn’t possible because you cannot get inside someone else’s head. But we can still accept that the other person is in pain. Yes, it’s super hard, because as I said above, we are flabbergasted, hurt or angry. However, once we accept this, we can relate it to our own pain point and therefore feel empathy, which is compassion that can react as though it were you on the receiving end.
Again, I acknowledge that this is very difficult to do in the heat of the moment. What helps me when I feel the flush of temper is to take a deep breath and close my eyes. When I take in that breath, and I am capturing the moment, I imagine myself “breathing in” the other person’s pain, which appears to me internally as smoke or pollution. I then imagine in my head what they are going through. That is why it helps to understand what the pain is. In the case of the Postal Worker, I imagine the times he has been mistreated by customers repeatedly without apology or reprimanded for ‘bending the rules’ when he was only trying to be helpful. I imagine them dealing with that pain, and as the breath comes in, I feel a sensation permeate my body. I then let out the sigh, which I imagine to be a vapor of peace. I feel lighter and calmer.
I call this alchemy for the soul: Changing anger into empathy.
You might be thinking about now that this is a ‘nice sentiment,’ but not likely to fly far in the real world. After all, it’s easier to just rant about what happened to you in the Post Office, market, work or with a neighbor on social media and receive many cheers of understanding. Responding with empathy can be nearly impossible when you are feeling in great pain yourself, and there is no room at the inn for taking on anyone else's pain. But perhaps these are the times we can find ourselves in even greater need to become a Soul Alchemist. You see, these are the times that we hope others around us to consider giving us back the gift of empathy.
To hold onto anger and need to direct it somewhere, to me, is also draining.
I need to carry it around and find where to put it. I need to put effort into not blowing up at someone. To me, this exercise of alchemy for the soul feels like the opposite of “suppression,” whose Latin origin literally means to “press down.” That takes a lot of energy. And so, when I perform my little alchemy ritual, the feeling is much more of a lightening up or dissolving kind of sensation. Rather than doing someone else a favor, I feel like I am treating myself well, which allows me to treat others well too and not feel like they owe me something for the favor.
So are you ready to take this even a step further?
Even when someone else is precisely the “cause” of your anger, it helps to remember that it isn’t really him or her. Yes, it’s his or her suffering that is at the root of the hurtful actions. This doesn’t mean that they are responsible for what they do, only to help you remember that it’s human to sometimes act out when you’re hurting.
To blame another person for how you feel is to give him or her power over you.
It might sound like I’m making excuses for bad behavior, but If someone does something cruel, thoughtless or aggressive to you, it is on them. But however hurt you may feel in the moment, that person does not have the power to make you carry that hurt with you in the form of anger. When put in this light, this has nothing to do with you being a saint and deigning to give that person compassion or forgiveness; it’s about you taking care of yourself by stopping the angry chain reaction that can lead to all kinds of hurt and unfortunate behaviors.
Why not just allow yourself to just be angry and make up a sad story about what was done to you in which you are cast as the victim?
In a sense, you’re entirely justified in doing so, but where does that lead? How does that help you? The truth is, you very well might have been a victim of someone’s aggression at that moment, but only you can make yourself remain a victim by carrying around the negativity. When you help yourself by letting go of your anger, you help everyone else around you too.
Just remember - sometimes the way you think about a person isn't the way they actually are.
Any more than the way they might think of you is actually the way you are. I hope this helps you the next time you are on the receiving end of someone else's pain. Tonight, Chris and I will be drinking something I'm calling the Hot Pain Killer. It’s not designed to numb us, but rather to help us breathe in a little deeper and breathe out a lot more peacefully. Cheers, Friends.
Joy's Hot Pain Killer**
2 oz Mozart White chocolate liqueur
1 oz Bacardi black rum
1 dash coconut syrup
1 dash orange liqueur
1 cup hot milk
Frothed milk and cocoa for topping
Mix liquors well in a shaker. Strain into the hot milk, garnish with frothed milk, dust with cocoa and serve.
**Always drink responsibly
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