A Joyous Perspective on Real Feelings: Go ahead and validate them.

It's Friday, and time for another Friday Night Thought Tale Hour with the Hendersons. Here in the Midwest, we experienced some pretty severe cold that left most of us longing for warmer climates and future seasons. There were a lot of emotional expressions being thrown around, and for the most part, I answered these with, "Well, we choose to live here..." After all, there didn't seem to be a point in shared misery, only the need to get through it. But there are other times in life when emotions are shared that don't need a sarcastic quip or rousing cheer of encouragement. One of the most frustrating things in the world is feeling something painful and having other people tell you that you shouldn’t be upset. That it’s no big deal that relationship didn’t work out, or that opportunity didn’t pan out, that it’s all in your head, so you should let it go, suck it up Buttercup, and move on.

"Feelings are real and legitimate."

 -Unknown

Recently, a friend of mine found out that her paycheck was going to be delayed due to an issue with her company’s payroll. She received the email while we were in a group having lunch, and I could see her face got red, and she was fighting back emotion. 
Naturally, everyone wanted to console her, but that quickly turned into a rapid-fire succession of reminders that it was no big deal, no one died, and she shouldn’t feel so crushed. At least she had a job, and it wasn’t like they were never going to pay her.

Hmmm...

I understand it can be helpful to put things in perspective, and I know there were good intentions behind those words, but I found myself wondering if it ever helps to tell someone that they should be feeling something else. No matter what someone else thinks

about our circumstances and how we should respond, our feelings are not imagined. They are genuine, and our emotions are tied to some inner belief, or past event, or fear. How can we ever learn from our current challenge if we just glide on past the feeling, or worse yet, bury it deep within ourselves to obtain acceptance?

“In order to move on, you must understand why you felt what you did 

and why you no longer need to feel it.” 

~Mitch Albom

The need to allow people to feel and express their immediate emotions was brought home to me even more while reading about a condition found in some adults called “Childhood Emotional Neglect” or “CEN” for short. CEN refers to a parent’s failure to respond to their child’s emotional needs. Coined by Dr. Jonice Webbthat CEN is an act of omission or something that is silent, missing, and not visible, that goes on in the background of a child’s upbringing. In fact, most parents have good intentions and often provide for their child’s material needs but are emotionally

unavailable because they were neglected themselves, thus, resulting in a cycle of not being able to express emotions or respond to their child’s feelings. I share this because you might be in this place, and if so, you have even greater need to allow yourself to feel validated in your emotions.  If you are interested in reading more about this, you can take the questionnaire found here: CEN Questionaire. 

But if you are like most people, you just don’t want to be the cause of ruining a good conversation or event. So you push it down and put on a happy face. 

Many times, we encourage others to downplay their emotions because…

It might be a downer like it was to our lunch fun, and everyone just wants it to be ‘all good.’ Or perhaps we just feel utterly incapable of really helping the person who is struggling with the emotion. While the first reason is really selfish, the second reason may be very accurate. However, this still doesn’t mean we should talk anyone out of expressing how they are feeling, right then and there. 

We are only human, and we are going to have times when we feel wounded, sometimes over events that would challenge anyone’s sense of composure, and sometimes over things that may seem insignificant to everyone but us. In those moments, we may feel an overwhelming surge of emotion without really knowing the words

to express it. Maybe the key is to simply feel it, without stressing about whether that’s right or wrong, and then give ourselves some time to understand what’s going on in our heads and our hearts.

For now, please know this…No matter what is being said to you about it...

If you’re mourning a loss of any kind, you don’t have to pretend you’re not hurt. Know that your feelings are real and valid.

If you’re missing the way things were, you don’t have to pretend you’re not sad. Know that your feelings are real and valid.

If you’ve been betrayed, disrespected, or violated in any way, you don’t have to pretend you’re not angry. Know that your feelings are real and valid.

We can either judge our emotions, telling ourselves we should be stronger or accept them for what they are, and then allow ourselves space to recognize what we can think and do to feel stronger.

I hope you will have the courage to accept and allow.

So tonight, Chris and I will be toasting to allowing others to state their feelings, whether they make us feel good or bad. I’m making something called, “Feels Good To Me.” Go ahead, gripe, swear or state - because your feelings do matter. Cheers, Friends. 


Joy's Feels Good To Me Cocktail**

1 1/2 oz Belvedere® vodka
1/2 oz peach schnapps
1/2 oz DeKuyper® Sour Apple Pucker schnapps
1 splash 7-Up® soda
1/2 oz orange juice
1/2 oz pineapple juice
1 cherry

Shake ingredients in a cocktail shaker with ice. Strain into glass. Garnish with a cherry.

**Always drink responsibly