A Joyous Perspective on Dysfunction: Allowing life's blender to make it useful.

It's Friday, and time for another Friday Night Thought Tale Hour with the Hendersons. I want to share a moment I had recently that really struck a chord with me. While in a meeting at work, a colleague shared about his growing up with ADHD and a brother who had Aspergers Syndrome. When talking about his single-parent mother, he said, "She fought to understand us". 

Wow, what a tribute. 

His words resonated with me. His mother, faced with more than a bit of parental challenge, did not just 'try' to do her best and understand, she fought. I don't know if there's any way this young man can imagine what a wonderful thing he just said about his mother, but it was certainly not lost on me. 
And I realized, I have learned a lot through doing the hard work of self-discovery and recovery about what it means to "fight" for the right reasons. To fight for a productive and healthy outcome.

It's the opposite of the dysfunctional family setting when you fight for survival.

When you grow up in dysfunction, there is no care about understanding. You grow to believe that understanding is a pipe dream that will only leave you disappointed. And the more you try to understand why you are being treated the way you are, the more you grow to believe it's all your fault. You are a bad person who doesn't deserve understanding, only punishment. 

Dysfunction discourages understanding because understanding demands honesty. 

Those who survive dysfunction and come out on the other side can overcome the habits and genetics that haunt them. This happens when you realize that you are now the conductor of your own life, and you can change the story. And perhaps the greatest tool that can be used in dismantling dysfunctional behaviors is something I call "Life's Blender". It's all those difficult, sometimes painful, often embarrassing and pressure inducing moments when we can choose to retreat to our safe cocoons or allow ourselves to be dropped in the blender. We recognize who we really are, and we decide it's time to be understood.

And you take yourself apart a little and examine the parts you want to keep.

You begin to believe that understanding is not a dream reserved for others, but something we all deserve. And because it can often be complicated and confusing, it is often something that has to be fought for. It has nothing to do with proving you are right, or even that you have rights. It's to demonstrate that you want to understand and that you care about the outcome. That's what that mom taught her kids. She refused to give up, and she taught them that they were just that important to her.

Life's blender teaches us that understanding is key to a smoother outcome, even if we don't like what we learn.

In dysfunction, we learn to hide our blemishes, because they open us up to even greater punishments. But the truth is, what we know only helps us to help each other. And when you are open about your faults, you help others to feel they can do the same.

 

The good fight of insisting on understanding my kids (and now their kids) is one I can never surrender. 

Because I am breaking the cycle behind me, and I want to always demonstrate my care for them. It doesn't mean I agree with everything or every decision they act on, and it will not always end with hugs and kisses. Understanding can mean that I see the painful things as well as I see the glorious parts of their lives. Oh, and because the blender can be painful, and you might find yourself wanting to scream out a little, remember:

Fighting to understand means I listen much more than I proclaim, and I observe much more than I pass judgment. 

Thank you blender.
So tonight, we will toast to fighting the good and healthy fight for understanding. I decided to make a blended drink of course. I call it "Beware of the Hidden Ingredients". I think you understand what I mean, right? CHEERS FRIENDS!

Joy's Beware of the Hidden Ingredients Cocktail*

Makes two or three

2 oz of Rum
1 oz of Banana Frenzy Liquor
1 oz of Sloe Gin
3 oz of Just Peachy bubbly
2 oz of Pineapple Peach Kombucha

Fill a blender with ice. Pour each ingredient in. Blend. Garnish with a lime, a cherry and a banana. 

*Always drink responsibly