A Joyous Perspective on Trauma: Deal with it, because your brain still remembers.

 

It's Friday, and time for another Friday Night Thought Tale Hour with the Hendersons. This term in Graduate School, I'm learning more about trauma. Specifically how trauma can impact us as children and stay with us throughout our lives. Perhaps, like me, you had parents who were so immeshed in trauma themselves that they had no idea how to do anything but continue to encourage the pain they carried. I recall going to bed at night and hoping that my parents would just magically become caring, loving and compassionate people. But, that never happened. I am grateful for all of the ways I've been able to heal from the trauma I experienced. And to be clear, I hold no ill will against anyone, especially my parents, who were a part of that trauma. I had to literally run from the holds of much of it, and for a time, it felt like I was merely surviving. But no longer.

So how did I step beyond merely surviving, and begin to thrive? 

By making a conscious decision to live in the now and enjoy what I have.

As simple as it seemed, it was a challenge in itself. You see, my parents taught me that life was serious business, and neither fun nor joy belonged there. Fortunately, the healthy part inside of me knew what I needed: to master a language that had been foreign for me - the language of joy. Fortunately, I listened.

“Even when you didn’t have the mother you needed, there’s a place inside your heart that totally knows how to love.” 

~Jette Simon, psychotherapist

You may be unable to change every challenging circumstance of your life, but you can bring more balance to your emotional inner world. 

But first, you have to be willing to work on growing past it. To dig deep and act upon what you learn. It's not easy, because:

Your Brain Still Remembers

The chronic stress of developmental trauma has a long-lasting impact on the brain. Overloaded with a negative bias, some parts of your brain are overwhelmed and “acting out,” while others are numb, taken out of the game. You need to calm the loud ones and reactivate those that have gone quiet. By doing so, you re-center yourself and find a healthier emotional balance. 

When you laugh, have fun, or simply enjoy the moment, troubles and worries step aside, and you enter another realm where you feel connected, safe, and loved.

Joy is inside you as a natural part of your true being. You simply need to find and reconnect with it.

Here’s how you can increase your ability to feel joy.

Acknowledge your current situation.

Put in words what you’re struggling with, why, and how it’s negatively impacting you—not to punish anyone but to clarify the challenge. Remember, denial keeps you stuck, but acknowledging things for how they are opening doors for personal growth, healing, and joy.

Now, knowing where you stand, ask yourself what you want your life to be and what you can do to get there. Possibilities for moving forward always exist; even small steps will take you closer to your goal.

Find balance in a state of control.

Either too much or too little control means co-dependency. Many people try to overcontrol their lives. To overcome this, let go of things that are beyond your control, like changing other people. Instead, focus more on self-growth. 

In other cases, people allow their circumstances to dictate their lives, resulting in too little control or even no control at all. If that’s the case for you, it means taking matters into your own hands. Start with easier things like taking care of your well-being and choosing things that bring you joy. After that, work on saying no and building and defending strong boundaries.  

Learn to tolerate difficult emotions.

To achieve a peaceful and joyful state, you must first learn to tolerate your difficult emotions. It’s not easy, but staying with your grief, anger, or shame can turn things around and free space for positive emotions. If you push these difficult feelings away, they will almost certainly eat you alive. Do you want to miss out on all the good stuff in life? I didn’t think so.

Validate your feelings instead of suppressing them, denying them, or pushing them away. 

You have the right to all of them! How could you not be angry, sad, or in mourning when you grew up without the loving mother you longed for as a child?

Working through painful feelings on your own can be tough, so ask your partner, a friend, or a therapist to support you during this time.

Choose joy. 

More joy means lower levels of inflammation in your body, better health, and greater happiness. You’re no longer a prisoner of your emotions and can consciously choose where you want to use your energy and how. 

Activating joy helps you reconnect with an authentic, wise part inside of you that knows how to love. It means finally feeling like yourself and safe inside your skin—no matter what traumas you have endured throughout your life.

“Every moment, if it’s really inside of you, brings you what you need.” ~Rumi

Choose joy!

Cheers.